Saturday, September 01, 2007


Someone call Slim Pickens - we've got a big bronc wants bustin'. (Yes, he's hand-less in this version. Deal with it.)
In the years 2029 and 2036, a rugby-ball-shaped 300 meter asteroid passes uncomfortably close to our collective personal space. This has scientists crapping themselves to figger out a way to prevent a possible impact which could kill billions and change life as we know it for a minute or two. Of course, there could be big promotional lead-ins for years where People magazine could show how Barthelona (daughter of Paris Hilton and the kid from The Sixth Sense) would be weathering the nuclear winter in her stylish Banff underground virtually tropical bunker lovepit. The fashion industry would enjoy the upswing of a market-in-crisis mad-dash for the hottest in global cooling gear. Ringside seats for the event will sell at astronomical prices on the orbiting Trump Hotel Casino & Taco Lounge™. In the days before impact, no celebrity crotches would be seen in newspapers and magazines, as the paparazzi will have all gone home to apologize and make peace with their families.

Click here for film

Personally, I think we need to abandon pie-in-the-sky time-wasters such as relying on science and stick to what we know works: we should send Hillary, Obama and Oprah to open a dialogue with the asteroid, see how it's feeling, what it desires, and why it hates us.


Anonymous said...

Those three people would be my choices to send and get all information required. With some luck we may never see them again. It could blow upon first Oprah question.

Oh, shame on me. Not!

Lin said...

Bring it on, I've already got reservations at that nice restaurant at the end of the Universe. I'll save ya a seat!

g bro said...

Now, La P, you know that Hillary will NOT open a dialogue with foreign adversaries without preconditions. (That was apparently an important debating point.)

Rudy will make speeches after it hits, Mitt Romney will think it's a sign from the Angel Moroni, McCain will put it in a tiger cage for 7 years and Ron Paul will ensure that it's impact will proceed with minimum government interference and maximum economic opportunity. Oh, and Fred Thompson will tell it a folksy tale that teaches it a clever way to obtain a conviction.

FHB said...

Planet sure could use a good mass extinction. Too many ants in the hill.

phlegmfatale said...

lainy - well, the asteroid may not implode upon meeting them - more likely it would try to take evasive measures.

lin - I'll be along directly!

g bro - *L* So, she will negotiate TO negotiate with terrorists?

Brilliant, spot-on analysis!

fhb - I dunno. If we could selectively pick off the wrong ants, it wouldn't be so bad...