Monday, September 03, 2007

Celebrity poo

While I was deathly ill, I missed out on all kinds of celebrity gossip, and it's still gushing up from the gutter, so let's dish, shall we?

Britney Spears was a total, strung-out mess at a recent photo shoot for a cover article for OK! Magazine. Apparently she insisted on letting her friends do her hair and make-up rather than the professionals and thus looked like home-made crap in the resulting photos. She smeared her greasy Kentucky-Fried-Chicken fingers on the designer gown she was wearing. When her little dog pooped on the set of the photo shoot, she wiped up the dog crap with a $5000 Zac Posen frock. She's officially circling the bowl. Poor thing.

Madonna thought it was a good ideer to inject her B vitamins in the middle of a crowded plane before landing in London. Well, in truth, she was prolly at the front of the plane with the first class pipples, but--talk about a disconnect with reality-- even if it's insulin or some such, isn't it beneath gauche to tie off one's arm and shoot up in public? Seriously. She looks so ropey, these days, with her man-hands and all. She needs to eat some pork-rinds and drink some Karo syrup, if you ask me. Looking very tranny.

Lindsay Lohan is in rehab. Can you imagine how shitty it would be to finally suck it up and face the fact that you've got to deal with your problems, that you have to be honest with yourself and focus on changing, and you check into rehab to find your roommate is a solipsistic world-famous celebrity, particularly one known for being spoiled and ultra-self-indulgent? What fresh hell, indeed. She may be circling the bowl, too. I wonder if she ever considered that maybe she exists to be a trial for other people? Not pretty.

Over at Gallery of the Absurd, 14 has done a brilliant product promo. Yes, now we can all have Paris Hilton's shoes. I laughed until I coughed when I saw this, having always been mortified at how profoundly scary PH's feet are.


Fantastic quote from Clive Owen in GQ talking about about celebrity, stalkerazzi, etc:

“I have a strong theory that you can go under the radar depending on how you carry yourself. I would argue that the world’s biggest movie star can go into a pub round the corner from where I live, sit in the back, have three pints
of Guinness and walk out relatively unbothered if they’ve got the right attitude. You’d think, looking at some people, that there is a circus wherever they go, that they can’t help it. I’m not so sure about that.”

I sorta always imagined Clive being like that, like he's a guy who would take his own trash out. Frankly, all the females I've mentioned above could benefit from a multi-year assignment of mucking out the stalls at a big horse barn.


Barbara Bruederlin said...

Oh lord, those Paris Hilton shoes are so spot on. I've rather always suspected that feet that ugly must be prosthetic.

Anonymous said...

Britney: I am so jaded by the depths to which she has sunk that if she showed up on the Jerry Springer show tomorrow and got into a smackdown with Kfed, I would probably forget to even Tivo it.

Madonna: I mentioned to a RN friend that Madge probably has nurses coming up to her all the time just begging to run an IV in her easy-to-find veins. She demurred and said that she wouldn't ask but said: "If I was behind her in a checkout line, I'd be thinkin' it."

Lohan: Watching the behavior of her parents, I conclude that girl was farked from birth. Just boned. Totally screwed. Sorry kid, better luck next time!

I also find Amy Winehouse's continuing meltdown alternately awesome and depressing. Depressing, because I loved her album and really hope she survives to make another. Awesome, because that's the way to have a substance abuse problem, you American wankers! Rehab? DUIs? Bah! Come back when you leave your hotel room blood soaked after a row with your hubby! She's hardcore.

none said...

Celebrities have always been craked out ho's. The only exception is back in the old days they weren't so public about it.

Like Spencer Tracy used to lock himself in a hotel room regularly with a suitcase full of scotch and not come out for 4 days.

g bro said...

I just wish they would quit circling the drain and go on down the tube. But no, they keep bobbing back up. I have never witnessed a Lohan vehicle (not even Herbie), so I can't comment on her "talent." But Britney will never be able to sell the "nice but maybe naughty" teen virgin concept again. So logic (my fatal flaw) would tell me that her career is over. Poor naive me!

phlegmfatale said...

barbara - yeah, you'd think they would have surgeried them or something, feet that foul.

pbd -it makes you wonder about B.
LOve what you said about Madge's veins. Makes total sense
Lohan - Yeah, doomed from the start.
I'm totally with you on Amy Winehouse - I want her to make it - she's fantastic. I agree, though, she's totally hardcore.

hammer - Yeah, I agree - Hollywood kids in recent decades seem to be working to invent new ways to manifest stupidity.

Didn't know that about Spencer Tracy, though. *shudder* That much scotch would take me years to plow through-- and I LIKE scotch. Sheesh!

HollyB said...

The pics of Beckham and Olsen in their PH shoes had me snortin' ice tea!
And for Clive, I think he's right, all celebs could go out in public at any time they chose with a few simple alterations to their appearance,carriage and routine.
AS for the celebs who are circling the drain...I wish that Cosmic Plumber would turn on the tap and just flush them into the sewer! They have taken up their room in the spotlight long enough. They were given talent and riches and they have squandered it. I feel not an iota of sympathy for them.

Attila the Mom said...

WTF? Was Madonna mainlining her B-12 or what?

No need to tie your arm off, you can jab those suckers right into your buttcheek---I should know, I got them every week for almost a year. sheesh.

Unknown said...

I've thought that about celebs as well and even the EOnline gossip folks have said that if they don't want their picture taken, then don't go to well-known papparazzi hangouts in L.A. or NYC.

It's hard for me to feel sorry for OK Magazine, when their dumbasses thought she'd be a great idea for their cover in the first place.