Friday, February 17, 2006

Giving a little something back to the world of poultry, some humans are making strides to reach out to our chicken brethren and begin the healing. This news dispatch came Feb 7 from Arkadelphia Arkansas - just a frog's whisker away from Bill Clinton's hometown of Hope.

Woman Does 'Mouth-To-Beak' to Save Chicken

Cliff's notes version of the story is a woman found her brother's pet exotic chicken (named BooBoo) floating beak-down in a pond, and she decided to see if she still "had it" from her glory days as a medical professional. She sealed over the beak and nose holes with her mouth and breathed life anew into the fowl. BooBoo is fine, tanned and rested, and is most likely plotting world domination.

In a related story, the January 13 edition of the Times online reported that the 3+ million year old remains of a child have been determined to have been
killed by some sort of bird of prey. This revelation must be taken seriously. Birds used to eat people. This is like a Twilight Zone episode. Horrors!

Of course, this all reminds me of my
own salient writing on the subject of how we should respect the noble yard bird. Soaking the chicken pieces overnight in buttermilk make them SOOOO much better when you want to fry it up properly. In an iron skillet, of course. Some say frying with the lid on makes them crunchier. Home-made fried chicken - it's WHY we climbed on top of the pile, people. You see? We are the masters of the food chain because we fought our way up there, and it's important that we not send mixed signals about who should be eating whom on this planet.

Now the crafty chicken is worming its way into our good graces, becoming house pets, and the like, and I'm sensing a dangerous trend in the other direction. When husband and I lived in McKinney, we had a lovely neighbor who had boutique variety pet chickens. She'd take turns having one sitting in her lap on the porch swing each night, and she'd shampoo and blow-dry them weekly. Being utterly mesmerized by the peculiar as I am, I thought it was an innocent lark, but now I see it was part of a vast right-and-left hotwing conspiracy to ingratiate chickens to their captors and thus gain the upper-hand. Now people are doing CPR on chickens? Trust me when I say the chickens are just waiting to take over. The world will be one big chicken plantation, and we'll be working for the chicken-man. Not pretty, people. This is crazy talk. Crazy and scary. Someone comfort me, please?

9 comments:

mauser*girl said...

The chicken mouth-to-mouth just weirds me out. Where I'm from, chickens are food. When food happens to be already dead, it saves you the annoyance of having to kill it - and anyone who has ever killed a chicken knows that it's a messy business. Well, unless you break their necks anyway.

Ben Heller said...

It's OK, be cool Phlegm......chickens will never take over unless men stop choking them every morning before work.

phlegmfatale said...

Amen, mauser*girl! If I had to dress the bird for cooking, it would be a pin-feather lover's delight. Still, it must be therapeutic to wring a chicken's neck.

Or to choke one, ben, you naughty boy. I howled when I read your comment. I tell ya what: I'll set em up, you knock em down!

The Blog Whore said...

As long as Chik Fil A has a drive thru, no chicken will get the upper hand on me!

phlegmfatale said...

Rocky (Racquel) has left a new comment on your post "2/17/2006 01:01:00 AM":

Thanks Ben for inspiring me to snort in a MOST unladylike fashion!

As for the chickens-I think you are onto their world domination plot, P. I'll bet they'd like nothing better than to have a chicken driving a semi hauling a trailer full of cramped cages stuffed to the gills with humans. Disturbing!

phlegmfatale said...

Oh, and also because of blogger bugging out, I have no idea which post this comment goes with, so I'll stick it right over here:

Rocky (Racquel) has left a new comment on your post "2/14/2006 04:04:00 AM":

Phlegm, honey, you are simply the goddess os all that is fabulous!

LOVE your blog! :-)

phlegmfatale said...

Seriously, blog whore and rocky(Racquel), we need to put up a fight. What a horrifying vision. Payback is too hellish to contemplate.
Oh, and rocky: I love ya back. Glad ya like the place.

dV said...

You must have missed the follow-up story, where the good samaritan was hospitalized with bird flu.

phlegmfatale said...

Now THAT is hilarious, dv!