Friday, August 18, 2006

I delight in saying things that are slightly outrageous. I sit back and watch people sputter as they sorta realize what obnoxious thing I just said. It's not often someone turns that around on me.

I was talking to someone yesterday who showed me photos of his children and asked if I had any kids (he's divorced). I said no, that we tried for 6 or 7 years to have children with no success, and finally went to a fertility specialist who did every conceivable (ha!) test and finally told us there was nothing wrong with either of us and no explanation for the lack of offspring.

[what I didn't go on to say was the next step with the specialists would have been fertility treatments for moi, and since I wanted one baby and not a litter, I said ixnay on that shit. my general rule is it's not good to have more at one time than you have nipples for, so I'd have to draw the line at 3, and it would make me sad to shove the extras out of the nest]

He said "well, ya know, if you need someone to step in, well, I'm available. You have really pretty eyes."

My mouth fell open. He said "you're blushing. I guess that's a yes."

You know me, not to be outdone, I said "well, you DO have very pretty children."


Barbara Bruederlin said...

Oh good comeback! I would still be searching for the right response!

Dick said...

I smell trouble brewing....

nongirlfriend said...


LJ said...

Very quick, m'dear!

FHB said...

Very quick thinking. You know, that's funny, unless he turns into Ted Bundy on yer ass.

shpprgrl said...

It's great to actually come up with the comeback when they're standing there. Mine usually hit me later. Great one!

Anonymous said...

I'll just reassure myself that this man was not the dreadful Magoo...(shudder)

Arthur Quiller Couch said...

So we know -

- almost-strangers say they want to make babies with you (morons!)
- you have nice eyes
- you have THREE nipples?! THIS I must check out some time.

phlegmfatale said...

barbara - I'm sure I gasped when he first said that, and the comment that I was blushing sort of blasted me out of sputter mode. Oh, and I blushed again in the same conversation, or so he told me. Yeah, I'm 40 and capable of blushing. How silly is that?

big dick - me? I'm an absolute lamb
nongirlfriend - pah!

lj - tee hee

fathairybastard - Actually, I think he's just a very blunt person. I like him, I keep laughing about that conversation, actually. Just don't let me know if I end up in a tragic news story, ok?

shpprgrl - Well, I had to say SOMETHING. Funny thing is for me to meet someone who is obviously also accustomed to saying outrageous things with a straight face. I didn't see that one coming.

jacquie - Nope - Magoo wouldn't hit on anyone, actually. He'd start by giving a compliment and then follow with a critique about how they could be so much better if they did things a different way.

arthur quiller couch - Hey - nice to see you! OK, I lied about the third nipple - it just made good copy. tee hee said...

Reminded me of a time a guy tried to get me to start talking to this fugly, rather large, girl while he made time with her good looking girlfriend. I said, "No way man!"

He said, "But she's got 3 nipples!"

I said, "Like that's an incentive? Are there also 3 long hairs growing out of'em? Hell no, I want go!"

Tickersoid said...

I love that kind of thing. I usually say something in the style of agreement but actually disagreeing.
I't funny how many people only pick up on your style of speach and don't realise you've actually disagreed.

phlegmfatale said...

mushy - i'm so pleased I could help rekindle fond memories of your wild yoot.

tickersoid - If you are smooth enough to agreeably disagree, so much the better. Yeah, it's better if you can parse your umbrage as civilly as possible. So much better when you're not just angrily disputing someone else's baloney.