Dear Glamourous-er-than-usual former resident:
I'm so glad you've found your place among the Right Sort of People in the Hamptons. I've no doubt you truly deserve each other and I wish you long and very merry in each others' company.
Sorry, no, these many moons since you moved out, I haven't riffled through the mail of the subsequent three residents of your old apartment to see if they were receiving your mail. If I had, I would have made a note to the carrier to send this to your forwarding address. What? You didn't notify the post office of your new out-of-state address? Do please forgive me for failing to care more about your mail than you do - how can a lowly servant like myself sleep nights knowing you may have missed out on the latest offerings from the Pantyhose-of-the-Month-Club and the Sharper Image? My bad!
I'm sorry to hear that through the Gordian knot of our labyrinthine postal service you were shocked belatedly receive notice that your moving truck was issued a traffic violation notice by the City Of Dallas and that no one bothered to track you down before now. Clearly, everyone but you is responsible for this egregious error.
You didn't say so, but I'm sure the fines on that violation have reached sub-orbital levels of expense. I have no pull with the city, but if you'd like me to write a note 'splaining how cute you are, I'd be happy to oblige.
P.S. I gave you your full deposit back because that is my policy-- I give the 95% of residents (who are impeccable) their entire deposit back-- not just the cute ones.
P.S.S. - When I give the full deposit back, that doesn't make me a sucka or your perennial slave.
P.S.S.S. - Love ya. Mean it. Within limits.