Friday, March 21, 2008

The worst, most humiliating baby names.


When an in-law told me about the name of another in-law's new infant a couple years ago, I couldn't help it: I blurted "future stripper." Did I ever mention that I'm a blurter? I blurt occasionally.

Anyway, in the article linked above, there are links to several categories of horrific names with which people have saddled their unfortunate offspring.

Once I heard of a pair of twins named Cash and Carey. In the 1980s, there were 3 brothers at a Dallas area uni named Sterling, Cash and Bond. Another newborn name I saw once in Dallas was (no lie) Doidriontai. What is wrong with people? I getting giggles when I think about the fact that people have actually named a daughter "Placenta."

Let's have a contest and make up our own interesting names with which to doom future generations. Halitosis, anyone? Corruga Fla'shonday? [don't forget the apostrophe's'ese's] Boncretiatay Chowdown. Toothpick Taneenda.

Anyhoo, here's a list from the above article of deadly sins wot made it into the given names of several sad souls:

Lust Garten
Greed Sister Mancini
Avarice Sullivan
Sloth Washton
Wrath Gordon
Envy Burger
Greed McGrew
Pride Saint
Lust T. Castle

The article does mention that no one named their child "Gluttony," for some reason.

What is so terrible about giving a child an at-least-recognizable name and then allowing the child to distinguish itself with academic merit or other personal achievements? When I see these creative spellings or complete departures from any mapped territories in the realm of sobriquet, then I wonder to what end they aspire for their children, other than to vex the little old ladies who do the data entry in our medical- and correctional facilities record-keeping divisions.


Christina RN LMT said...

My brother's ex-wife was a third-grade teacher. She had a student named "Shi'thead".

Pronounced "Shuh-THAID".

I say his parents are shitheads!

Every child is completely different, even if we all named them the same thing, they'd be easily distinguishable from one another, so why give them such horrific, guaranteed-to-cause-bullying-and-shame-forever names?!

Can you see a future president named "Bambi"? Or "Daffodil"?

WTF is wrong with people, for God's sake?!

Rabbit said...

I have an acquaintance of many years past who named her firstborn daughter Sheniqua Uneeka Britney.

Yes, the way she pronounced it, the first two names rhymed.

Another person I know named her firstborn sone James Edward, but nicknamed him "Stankey". As in, "he so stankey I cud smell him allaway ofah heah..." He was enrolled in school as James Edward Stankey (last name here).

Don't get me started on what I heard when I was doing my L&D rotations...


Mauser*Girl said...

My friend Dawn used to work as a dental assistant. One day, a mother brought her two pre-teen daughters in to see the dentist. Dawn had to go call them from the waiting room. Their names were Vagina and Placenta.

What were their parents thinking?

My better half served in the Old Guard with a fellow whose parents had named him alone the lines of Moonbeam Greenleaf. Or was that Sunbeam? It was some kind of beam and some kind of leaf.


I blogged about weird naming choices in the past, here -

DBA Dude said...

There is a line in a Discworld book that goes something like "people ought to have to take an examination before having children and that is in addition to the practical one".

These dorks emphasise the point.

Joe said...

Can you believe my parents were so unimaginative the gifted me with the moniker "Joe"? To think I could have been "Dyner Dash" or "LP Monotone".

Liz said...

Also annoying are the parents who give their children normal names with bizarre spellings like Madysen. Because Madison just isn't interesting enough. Or, the first child gets named Skyewalker and the second child is named Bob. (Both examples from people I know.)

There was a sterling example of parental idiocy the other day. We were in Ft. Worth and this man and his trophy wife and their 18-month old were shopping at a tres chic (tacky clothes for lots of money) store. The woman asked me if I thought the dress they were trying on the baby was too big (the shoulders were sloping off her). I asked the size and she said, "It's sort of confusing because it says '7'." Um, that would mean it's a shirt for a seven-year-old and not a dress for a baby.

breda said...

There are two girls that come to the library after school. Their names are Quovadis and Shanautica.

I kid you not.

NotClauswitz said...

At first I feel sorry for people who are so poorly prepared to present themselves in Life, without a decent and upright name, penalized by vindictive, clueless, and retarded parents - until they open their mouths and act special. Then it's STFU time.

HollyB said...

How about Precious Delightful Jones and his Sister: Copper Penny b/c she was born with Red, Red, Red hair.

Actually, I had a cousin named Penny who was a copper red-head.
Years later, I had a Parolee named Precious, and another named Venus. They were both men.

Zealand Angus, my future grandson.

Anonymous said...

1. In my local newspaper there was a death notice the other day for a woman named Anesthesia Bell. 2. A woman I met at my previous employment was named Pasta. 3. And my favorite, a child that came into our dental practice is named Chandelier.

Anonymous said...

M just told of a woman in labor who upon expelling the fruit of her loins sat up an exclaimed, "That's IT!! Thats the name!!" The last name was King, first Nosmo... sign in room said No Smoking. No Lie.
I like that the Fish family in my town have named their girls Angel and Star. A

SpeakerTweaker said...

I am systematically opposed to the creation of, or advertising for, this list of, uh, names.

This is NOT a humorous list of one's identity.

This is a target list of poor kids who will spend 12 years of school at a minimum getting their ASSES KICKED.

Man, there's some parents out there that need to have their heads examined.

If I worked in medicine, I couldn't work on the Labor and Delivery floor for this reason: I see one of these names show up on some defenseless infant's tag and I'm wrapping him in a blanket and hittin the fraggin highway in blaze of mercy and contempt.



g bro said...

I believe all of you except for Shi'thead - I've heard that one too many times.

Holly, you didn't share the Arlington Fasthorse story.

g bro said...

A quick search on

Shithead - 0 hits
Vagina - 23 in the 1920 census
Placenta - 3 in TX birth records
Penis - 45 in the 1910 census
Lust - 100's
Envy - a few
Avarice < 10
Wrath - a few
Pride - 100's
Greed - a few
Sloth - a few
Glutton - some in the Indian records, a few in England in the 16th century
Gluttony Hope - currently living in New York (a Mafioso, pronounced "Glue Tony?"); another household member is Faith Hope.
Pussy - 10's in the 1800's in the US. Among the surnames associated with those women were: Small, Dancy, Green, Snipe, Young and Brickhouse.

Anonymous said...

We have a frequent flyer named Lasagna. Also a set of twins named Orangejello and Lemonjello. (or-anje-ell-oh and lem-ahn-gel-oh) Orange Jello and Lemon Jello. WTF? My mother taught middle school in the hood for 35 years, her last year of teaching she went to call the roll and she said she about died....Penis. (puh-neese, like denise). Ugh. How about the celebrity baby names too: Apple, Moses, Pilot it, you'll crack up. What a horrible thing to do to your kids.

LBJ said...

I worked with a flight attendant, forn in the late 60's, named Chili Berger.

Then there was the aircraft parts salesman, Richard Head. If you asked for him as D. Head, the receptionist would usually state. . "which one.. we have several".

Dr. StrangeGun said...

My last name is Free.

I have a veritable plethora of things I could curse my offspring with :-D

B said...

mmmmmmmmm... Envy burger...drool...I think I read about one of those in a Dr. Suess book once. Yum.
Seriously though I LOVE the name Wrath Gordon. The only problem though is that it makes others appear to have a lisp when calling the child's name.

Anonymous said...

My MIL is a teacher, and last year one of her students was a black girl named V'Nylla.

I once worked with a woman who named her daughter C'quorrai Drew (pronounced suh-kwor-ay).

One thing that bothers me is that some parents don't consider the initials when they name their kids. One of my cousins has the initials ARM, e.g. A co-worker of mine named her son Noah Andrew -- which would have been great, except the last name started with G.

I mean, honestly!! Don't people think, even just a little bit?!