Tuesday, March 02, 2010

This is my panty. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

In case you were wondering, this will be a post about panties, so if you're embarrassed by such things, come back tomorrow for an earnest post about something doubtlessly less personal.

I am not ashamed to say that I have enough underwear that I could wear a different pair daily for more than a month without having to do laundry and without having to wear dirties. Perhaps two months, even. Anyway, nothing wrong with that. I think nothing cures the ills of one's ho-hum life like going to Nordstrom Rack and spending about $100 bucks on fabulous bloomers that would have originally cost about $500, or so. I actually do this a time or two a year. Anything to keep the back 40 happy, right?

Anyhoo. I've been pretty busy lately and I haven't, well, I haven't been keeping up with the laundry by a long shot. I'm keeping the frequent flier garments clean, and clean towels, but only just. Underwear, well I'll just say I've nearly run through the drawers drawer. Monday I pulled out an old favorite pair. Sumptuous, nudie-pink, a little sparkly, these were always the pretty/dressy go-to panties. Well, Monday, I pulled them on and they weren't quite the same, but I was bleary-eyed and not thinking about it too much. hmmm. Okay.

Got to work and sat at my computer. My jeans were cut below the waist, and my sweater rode up a bit and it felt strange. I reached back and felt, oh, 3 or 4 inches of panty sticking up over the waist of the jeans. And they were wrinkly/baggy. Egad! I've lost weight, but didn't realize how much I'd lost since those were the sumptuously perfect panties.

Naturally, I pulled out my little knife. From the cube catty-corner to me, I heard a shriek that told me I wasn't supposed to have a knife there, and then she started laughing at the five miles of panty flapping in the wind.

Here's where the story really starts. Next to her and directly across is a lovely lady who's been a great coworker. She's really tiny, and asked me what size panty I wore. I thought this was odd, but then again- we are pretty casual - so I told her and she said she'd lost some weight and had some nice underwear if I would like to have them.

What do you say to that? I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of hand-me-down undies, actually. I confess when I occupied lofts in the industrial nethers of Dallas, I knew bums went through our garbage on a regular basis, and I dreaded the thought of seeing my manky old undies festooned outside the slick-with-filth dungarees of some insane homeless person, or on their head, or-- who knew what a crazy person would do? Anyway, before throwing away old panties, I would pretty much cut them into 3 pieces so they would panty no more forever. THAT in a nutshell tells pretty much how I feel about recycled underwear. Unless we're talking about a vintage slip or brassiere, I find the thought of using someone else's underthings for my own to be less than appealing.

So-- how to respond? The lady across the cube was being kind and generous. I said "that'd be great!" and inside I was blanching at the thought. Then I thought maybe she would forget. I made my rounds at work and came back to my desk before lunch, and the lady across from me had already gone to lunch.

I came back from lunch to find a neatly tied plastic bag full of panties on my chair.

!

36 comments:

Joe Allen said...

Just wanted to get a comment in before the flood of hits from Japan crashed your server.

I'm quite looking forward to reading the suggestions you receive regarding the disposition of your newly acquired bag of "experienced" squirrel covers.

Also: Giggly as a summer camp dorm on Baked Bean Tuesday over the mental picture of East Texas' version of Aqualung wearing your knickers for a bonnet.

Skip said...

I think I'd go rambo before I tried someone else's skivvies.
Just sayin'.

Julie said...

nope .. sorry ... won't do 'hand-me-down-undies' either ...

drop them off at the local op shop and buy her a nice thank you card ...

Tam said...

"I confess when I occupied lofts in the industrial nethers of Dallas, I knew bums went through our garbage on a regular basis..."

Darn you, I had never thought of that before, and now I'm going to lay awake all night worried about every pair of undies I've ever disposed of.

elmo iscariot said...

"Oh... They met with a terrible and unavoidable kerosene-related accident on my way home. But it was still really sweet of you!"

[Working with burlesque performers may have dulled my reaction to people sharing underwear somewhat, but it's still pretty weird outside a costume context.]

Jon said...

I think knicker etiquette requires a polite acceptance and the immediate start of a web page for selling the goods. The revenues should finance a new collection from the finest of stores. The only drawback is you may find the money is too good to resist in the future. Perversion is an expensive habit, and somebody has to be the supplier. ;)

falnfenix said...

i'd definitely donate them.

Miz Minka said...

Into the garbage, post haste. Ew. Just EW.

pdb said...

I've never been offered women's panties at work. :(

Tass said...

Um, Ewwww. Couldn't do it. No way, Jose'.

steff66 said...

That is greatness!!! So, which pair of hers are you wearing today??? ;)

Anonymous said...

Old undies (at least, men's undies) make great rags for cleaning guns.

Matt G said...

PDB just made me laugh aloud.

I'm of two minds of this:

First: if you don't want 'em, what's rude about smiling and admitting that you're just not comfortable taking them, but thanks.

Second: You panties are less than clean ("dirty," or "soiled" sounds too base, and you're not a gross lady) after you've worn 'em on a hot Texas day, but you wash 'em, and they're clean as a whistle thereafter. Same with hotel sheets, which go right next to the skin. Wash 'em, and they're clean. Wash those underthings in hot water with quality detergent, and forget about it.

Anonymous said...

It would be rude to refuse and would put a crimp in a burgeoning friendship. We have enough rudeness in the world today, under the guise of being frank and truthful, without adding to it.
So what does it hurt to be gracious? Not a thing.
Secondly, the charity second hand stores seem to have no problem accepting such 'gifts,' so go donate them.
And, thirdly, isn't going commando the 'in' thing these days? I mean, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, all those trendy people we want to emulate.....

ravenshrike said...

Snap a picture of the lady in question, find a Japanese translator willing to take only 5%, and sell em on the internet.

Crucis said...

My wife runs a free clothing store sponsored by our church. She'll take donations for just about anything---except underwear. For that, it's new in package only.

DirtCrashr said...

It's a Trojan Horse! Like hiding a folded up Snickers wrapper in your shoe because you're clever and just *know* that nobody would ever suspect that you have one there, now she'll know that on any given day there's a percentile-chance you're wearing HER's so the Mystery of Panties is gone and become some kind of Certainty instead.

Joe Allen said...

I've never been offered women's panties at work. :(

I expect there are a very limited number of career paths that result in being offered pre worn women's panties at work.

All I can think of would be Laundromat clerk and Rock Star.

On a Wing and a Whim said...

There's a funny line somewhere in my head - I'll borrow a friend's corset, but not her bra. I'll wear someone else's leather pants, or latex dress, but never, ever their panties.

Though, many female friends have assured me that stealing their men's boxers and wearing them for sleep shorts is a god-given female right, just like stealing their shirts. Jury's still out on that, as far as I'm concerned. Men, if you don't want your underwear stolen, wear tighty whities or those really cute boxer breifs or low-rise trunks. (But be prepared to have us arbitrarily toss every single one with holes or worn elastic when we do your laundry!)

In your situation, I think a nice card thanking for for her lovely gift (no need to admit they were panties in writing!), followed by "It turns out I'd lost more weight / hadn't lost enough weight than I'd thought, so they didn't fit, but thank you!"

And then reward yourself by going through your closet and dresser, checking sizes, donating all the old clothes that don't fit, disposing of underwear as is right and proper for that article, and going on a small celebratory shopping trip!

og said...

I have no idea what the big deal is, being a guy. If it isn't warm, if it doesn't have a bacon strip of skidmark in it, if there's still one fruit of the loom guy hanging onto the waistband, it's still a valid pair of underwear. Guys are not picky.

Of course, no heroin addicted stewbums with pants shiny with filth are going to be stealing MY underwear.

Tombstone Charlie said...

Wash'em, dry'em, use'm for gun cleaning. (We used to sell cloths at the store made by an undie mfg co, marketed as gun patches). Or throw them out.

Jon said...

I'm guessing you're feeling a little creepy about this. To me, it's a little strange for someone to have a neatly tied bag of ill-fitting underwear on hand at work.

Zdogk9 said...

Used undies, finest thing around for cleaning the Python you'd have if you'd cut back on the shoe habit ,

Old NFO said...

LOL- THAT is one of the stranger posts I think I've ever seen... and yeah, we're not picky... Guess y'all are a tad bit different!

phlegmfatale said...

Joe Allen – bwa ha ha! Likewise giggly over your comments.

Skip – We are in accord.

Julie – Good point. I did thank her graciously and will give her a card.

Tam – LOL

Elmo Iscariot – hyuk! Agreed – odd outside a cossie context

Jon – I did accept them. I most likely will give them to someone who frequently travels to another country and takes a truckload of second-hand stuff for her family back home.

Falfenix – I’m with you.

Miz Minka - *grin*

Pdb – read ‘em and weep!

Tass – not for the faint of heart, certainly.

Steff – it’s Tuesday, so naturally I have the Friday panties on! *snerk* You are wicked to make such a suggestion!

Anonymous – true, but these are clean and in very good shape, actually, I will pass them along to someone who could use them

Matt G – Sorry – I did not feel it was possible to graciously decline, so I accepted and will pass them along to someone who will use them, though not for money to someone in Japan. My panties are clean, but used is used. This panty is mine, as the post title clearly states.

Anonymous – I quite agree with your sentiments. I am sensitive to the fact that this sweet person doesn’t make friends easily, and I did not know how to decline the offer without giving offense. I will pass them along. I agree that too often in this life people are brusquely treated. She wanted these to be put to use, and I will get them to someone who will do so. Everybody wins, right?

Ravenshrike – funny suggestion, - I got a grin out of it!

Crucis – I think it’s a reasonable thing to draw the line at knickers.

Joe Allen – he should have been Tom Jones.

Wing - ah! Shopping! There’s and idea I can get firmly behind!

Og – bacon strip of skidmark is an image which will be difficult to eradicate from my mind’s eye. Thank you. LOL.

Tombstone Charlie – well, they are actually very clean and in good condition, so I will pass them along to someone who will be happy to wear them. OTOH, next time the dogs savage any garment, they’ll go into the rag bag.

Jon – She went to lunch before me and lives right near work – I think she goes home for lunch every day.

Zdogk9 – tsk tsk. I’m not spending THAT much on shoes. And one fine day, I WILL Have my Python.

Old NFO – One of the stranger posts you’ve ever seen? Thanks for the compliment!

rene volpi said...

I really enjoy reading your blog, so much that I would like to mail-subscribe to it. Would you let me know where can i find the link for it?
I'll take this opportunity to invite you to my blog, titled "Tales from The Amazon and assorted short stories" I'm sure you would enjoy it as well.
I am at, http://stillmind-thoughts.blogspot.com
Keep up the good work!!
Best,
René

7:57 PM

schnoobie said...

Thanks for the image of you cutting up five mile of Granny Grundies!Whats a little flappin between co-workers anyway?
...and why arent you writing for a living?? SRSLY!
peeing my pants over here..you wouldn't happen to have any spares on ya? hahahahaha

Ambulance Driver said...

Tam said,

"Damn you, I had never thought of that before, and now I'm going to lay awake all night worried about every pair of undies I've ever disposed of."

No need to worry, I've kept all the ones I've collected in a place of honor, and the ones I sold on E-Bay went to good homes.

They brought a nice price, though, well worth the hassle of sifting through your trash!

phlegmfatale said...

René - felicitous regards

Schnoobie - remind me to hire you as my PR person, mkay? Glad you got some grins out of it!

Ambulance Driver wins the Internets!

Jay G said...

See, that's one area where being a man really helps us out.

Let's face it gents. We don't dispose of undergarments until they actually gain sentience, crawl out of the laundry pile and hurl themselves into the trash bin in a lemming-like attempt at panticide.

We will wear our tidy whities LONG past the point of tidy *OR* whitie.

A man would more likely hand you down his WIFE than his underpants.

That said, pics or it didn't happen...

Anonymous said...

Recycled squirrel-covers are gross. Step-ins are a one-owner item!

phlegmfatale said...

Jay G - panticide. LOVE it! Too true, too true. :)

crankylitprof - Hear! Hear!

Matt G said...

AD, you're crazy, but even you don't have the cojones to sift through Tam's trash.

Used undies, finest thing around for cleaning the Python you'd have if you'd cut back on the shoe habit"

"Cleaning the Python." Zdogk9 with the triple entendre! Take a bow, Zdog.

Army of Dad said...

Actually, I have been offered used panties while at work, for business purposes and it is all legal.

My company recycles used clothing and we never get enough undergarments from our usual sources so I have to find and buy used (but clean) undergarments of all kinds. Some lady in a country in the devolping world doesn't care that those panties were once on an American. The fact that she can afford them is most improtant though. Same thing with stained baby clothes, she cares not about the stain if it will keep her baby warm at night and she can afford to buy it. There are lots of other things we have to buy too, but used panties is the funniest.

Vinogirl said...

OMG!!!
All my knickers come from England so I would have just declined with that excuse!

Zelda said...

Oh my god, that's funny. I didn't just lol, I really laughed out loud. I truly don't know what I would have said. I guess I would have just taken them and donated them.