Monday, December 04, 2006

OK, it's been a while since I've drawn a picture for you sexy, sexy people.

Word is that Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock have slipped the bonds of matrimony. They had like 3 weddings, so shouldn't they have to get divorced 3 times?

Anyway. Pamela Anderson, appearing as herself, was a willing participant in the film "Borat" in which she was stuffed into a canvas bag and absconded with. Allegedly, Kid Rock saw the film and became enraged at her participation in such exploitative crap.

Um, hello? This is not new for Ms. Anderson - ever hear of Barb Wire? I watched that movie as soon as it came out on video hoping to get a few laughs, and it disappointed even on that score. Anyway, for Kid Rock to act like he got some mis-represented bill of goods seems a bit obtuse.

Celebrity gossip... where to next? Hmmm...

How about something a little closer to home?

A relative by marriage is related to Blythe Danner. When Gwyneth Paltrow started to become very successful as an actress, my relative's kid sibling -- about 11 at the time -- told schoolmates they were second cousin to G.P., but naturally the kids at school acted like it was baloney. So this little kid wrote Blythe and asked for an autographed picture of GP, and instead came an autographed photo of Brad Pitt, whom GP was dating at the time. Brad's name was signed along with the chummy greeting "hey cuz."

Not long afterward, either by phone call or letter, Blythe contacted ranking family members and laid down the law that no one in the family was to seek autographs from them or ply them for celebrity fodder or to give their contact information out to anyone.

Wow. Some little 11 year old kid-- a blood relation-- being impressed with something you've done makes you hounded and harrassed? Ok. Whatever.

So now GP is in the news for saying Brits are more intelligent and civilized than Americans. Well, I think she had such an insular existence in the USA (upper crust NYC crowd, finishing school, film industry, & sundry other of/by/for the wealthy/celebrity) that I don't think she would know how the average American converses, especially since she wouldn't learn that kind of dialogue in a film script.

Another point - tell me in which country she claims to live predominantly for tax purposes? Why do many Irish/British celebrities declare US residency? I'm so glad you asked. They do so to benefit from not paying taxes to an outrageously confiscatory system of taxation that bludgeons the bounty of creativity to fill the capacious cup of the governmental teat onto which almost everyone else is latched. [Ours is bad enough, but if THAT is civilization, I'll say no thanks and hold onto my firing iron while I'm at it. Call me a cavewoman.] The irony of U2 frontman Bono telling the USA to forgive third-world debt, yet divesting of homes in Ireland in order to avoid paying his fair share of their taxes is simply too much hypocrisy to be endured. If the USA sucks so hard, why are people still trying to get here? But this has turned into a rabbit-chase, hasn't it?

I find Brits in general to be brilliant conversationlists. Wry wit has ever been an earmark of the English psyche, whereas most Americans are born without an irony chip, and our popular culture often reflects that. The truth is we are very different cultures and the dewy-eyed optimism that seems typical of the American spirit can often be mis-read as naive gullibility.

The irony is that the same insular existence that kept Gwyn away from the great unwashed in the USA guarantees that she'll never interact with the intellectual giants that routinely maim and kill random strangers at English football events, the famed hooligans for whom foreign governments have watch lists on mass transit to prevent their entry into their countries during World Cup Soccer play. There must be more than a few addle-witted British brutes who could go toe-to-toe in the dim-olympics with any sorority girl or chicken de-beaker the USA could churn out.

Also, Gwyn was obviously preaching to the choir: living in England half the year, I'm sure it's satisfying to say complimentary things to the home crowd. However, probably lots of folks back here will be none too pleased with another American with diarrhea of the mouth overseas. I'm guessing she would like to sell a movie ticket here again in future.

SO, to summarize: for Gwyneth Paltrow to make an indelicate statement on what the average American is like makes as much sense as saying you understand all there is to know about American society and politics from a Michael Moore film. Not a full picture, babe. You're gonna catch hell for this one, not entirely underserved.

So just put your feet up, sit back, and I'll be back here with the popcorn in just about 4 minutes. This is gonna be a good one.


Anonymous said...

Gwen can bite my crude, boorish American ass.

We made her rich and successful now she is biting the teat that feeds her.

Your thoughts on Great Britain are spot on. People that make a lot of money tend to dislike socialism.

Frigging hypocrites.

The British exports I appreciate are the Beatles, Black Sabbath, Moody Blues and The Who... oh yeah and Benny Hill.

Twisted Lady said...

Oh my...

I simply cannot stand Gwyneth Paltrow.

She is so snotty.

At times she can barely speak through her uptight clenched together jaw.

Kathy Griffin did a bit on her. And her self-manifested superior-ness.

It was brilliant.

Attila the Mom said...

Amen! I've decided to look for a new favorite perfume since she started flogging Estee Lauder's Pleasures. How juvenile am I? LOL

Zelda said...

I detest that woman. She is like a Jehovah's Witness without the charm.

phlegmfatale said...

First of all - I owe an old response to Christina - before I went out on a limb and sprang for my Canon Rebel XT, I probably spent around $400 on cheap digital cameras, $50 to $100 at a time. I should have skipped all that and just gone for the better instrument in the first place.

I'd say buy her all the camera you can afford comfortably. I recommend an SLR, which is a camera where you see through the actual aperture through which the photo will be snapped. I also HATE those cameras where you aim by looking at an image on a screen - they seem to have some awkward delays and I think SLR is infinitely superior.
Go to a large book store or a camera store and find a magazine that compares cameras in your price range. I'd say get one with a large memory, or spring for a big memory card if one is available for the camera. My rule is that since I have a capacity of 300 images on mine, I snap away and then just weed through them when I get home. If you've got a budget for it and and your daughter is a responsible girl, I'd highly recommend the Canon Rebel XT - even I was dazzled by what it did with snowflakes.

But with any camera, it will take reading the manual and playing with settings to figure out how to get the best shots. It takes a little patience, but it is totally worthwhile. By the way, about those snowflake photos:
I snapped them one-handed with the lens on the closest micro setting in manual mode. THe pics didn't come out as detailed as I hoped, but then I cropped them in Adobe photoshop, and it telescoped the detail up tenfold. Sometimes it's just playing around and figuring what you need to do to get the detail you want after the fact. The snowflake photos were un-altered, other than having been cropped - no light/dark enhancement, no sharpening, just wysiwyg.

Hoocha hoocha hoocha: lobster!

(that's Eddie Izzard on the Heimlich maneuver.)

hammer - I love your boorish ass! You, you, you... AMERICAN! haw haw haw!
I still love me the shit out of England and the Brits - they are fabulous people, but they are oppressed by a government that looks to the lunacy of the European model, which is ├╝ber-screwed-up - this isn't trending well. We have enough trouble keeping a lid on our own.

celebrity rant - yeah, I think Kathy Griffin said something like "Gwyneth Paltrow came in with her big bag of bullshit!" HILARITY! Kathy Griffin and I wouldn't agree on everything, but she's one of the funniest people alive.

attila the mom - I don't think that's juvenile. Oh, try Flower Bomb by Victor & Rolf - it's superb.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Phlegmmy, this really helped!

Just Another Old Geezer said...

I'm with hammer. She can take a bite. A poster at has this to say about the faux intelligent Gwen:

"*****Update: For those interested, the intellectually superior Paltrow dropped out of UC Santa Barbara where she was studying the incredibly challenging subject of Art History. In case you're not familiar with UCSB, though certainly a fine institution, this is where students in California go if they're not intelligent enough to get into either UC Berkeley (my alma mater!), USC, Stanford, UCLA, or UC San Diego. As a sidebar, this is also considered one of California's top "party schools," and is rumored to have one of the highest per capita STD rates of any college on the West Coast."

For the rest of his blog about her click here.

Maven said...

...confiscatory system of taxation that bludgeons the bounty of creativity to fill the capacious cup of the governmental teat onto which almost everyone else is latched.

Fabulous sentence crafting there, phlegmy!!

I just don't get it. Folks like Madonna or GP go to the UK, and lose all sense of reality...

Personally, I find it laughable. Imagine if folks stopped going to GP's movies? What then?

Maven said...

PS: I once was related by marriage to Yogi Berra. I was so ambivalent, it never occurred to me to seek an autograph...

Meg said...

I find the Brits witty but their conversation style more declaratory; American style is more engaging, personal and interactive, and I come out thinking, "Well, that was a nice visit!" Kiwi style is barbaric; we MUST NEVER let anyone else complete a thought or a sentence. After a good "chat", I come out confused and dazed. So who were we talking about??? Oh, GP... Her smirk scares me.

phlegmfatale said...

christina - you're welcome!

myron - I love that - especially the stats on the STDs - sheesh.

maven - glad you enjoyed it. Yeah, they seem to be having some sort of break with reality.

You may have been ambivalent about the Berra connection, but if you had an 11 year old child or sibling, you wouldn't expect him to act like a jerk if they asked for a simple autograph, would you?

meg - I agree about the declaratory style of the Brits and you hit the nail on the head with the American style. In fact, it is this very eagerness to be engaging and not offensive that made Americans ripe for the picking for the filming of Borat and da Ali G show. Rather like a puppy or kitten that is too trusting and doesn't see that it's about to be horse-whipped. Yup, GP does have a weasely look about her. Frankly, I can't shake the hideousness of her nude scenes in Great Expectations with that total 'tard Ethan Hawke. Ethan Hawke - now THERE is one for another rant - what kind of sawed-off not-aging-well asshole cheats (with pole-dancers) on the mother of his children, particularly when his wife is Uma Thurman?

Just Another Old Geezer said...

phlegmmy, is it just me or could GP use some more biscuits and gravy? The only bones I like are baby back ribs. Just sayin'.

And after watchin' her in Kill Bill and KBII, I'll betcha two bits Uma could kick the crap out of GP. And Madonna too. At the same time. Damn, I'm startin' to pant just thinkin' about it. Ole pharte like me ought not be having those kinda thoughts.

phlegmfatale said...

myron - SERIOUSLY, totally - that girl needs to belly up to the donut counter. You could slice up a loaf of bread with those ribs and probably poke holes in belt leather with those hip-bones.

Oh, Miss Uma could definitely break Madge & GP in half, simulataneously. Now THERE is a healthy-looking woman. She's textbook Amazon.

phlegmfatale said...

on second thought, myron, thinking about Uma opening up a can of ass-whuppin' is probably good for your circulation.

karen said...

BEST illustration of the Pammy/Kid Rock story EVER.

phlegmfatale said...

WOW, kees - aw, golly, I'm so glad someone liked my little drawring!

Meg said...

Ethan Hawke - pasty.

I hope Uma Thurman goes on and on and on and ages gracefully and makes people thing, "Heck, not just a pretty face!" (I did not know it was with pole dancers! See what I wouldn't learn if I didn't follow FA!

Meg said...

I haven't seen Borat, but have heard a lot in the news - yes, you Americans are so painfully nice sometimes - I feel for you, but that's what makes y'all SOOOO attractive. (And I thank Oprah for making it OK - somewhat - for non-Texans to say "y'all" - it is ok, isn't it?)

Becky said...

Celebrities are a bunch of hypocrits. If they're promoting one cause, chances are they're cheating another (like Bono). Even with Al Gore's movie, I wonder if he's really driving around a hybrid or electric car?

I can understand Blythe wanting to ask to keep their contact info private, but to be that rude? Wow...