Monday, October 30, 2006

OK, here I am at Kinko's again. My cable internet is not going to be installed until NEXT Monday, so this may be the lay of the land until then.

I was reminded yesterday of my favorite joke. I'm really bad at telling jokes because I chase rabbits and prattle on, generally losing my thread, but this has been a favorite since childhood, so I actually can remember the details in the proper order.

A young country preacher is out visiting the shut-ins in his parish when he stops by the home of a little old lady who has gone blind and doesn't get out much. She invites him in and he takes a seat across a little side table from her chair, and she commences to chatter on, starved for company as she is.

Directly, he notices a bowl of plain unsalted peanuts on the table and he takes a few, finds they are delicious, and begins eating them continuously as he occasionally interjects the one-word acknowledgement to indicate he is listening.

After about an hour of this, he says that he's got to be going when he says "oh my goodness! I just realized I ate your whole bowl of peanuts! I'm so sorry!"

The little old lady smiles and sweetly says "well that's ok, honey, anymore since I lost my teeth, I just suck the chocolate off anyhow."

Yes, well, obviously I'm easily entertained. I suppose this is my favorite joke because it's high on the gross-out factor but not obscene. I think it's adorable, actually.

Trajectory into mental illness:
Yesterday I bought Amy Sedaris' new book I Like You: Hospitality Under The Influence. I woke in the middle of the night and read some of it. She's on David Letterman rather often, and mom says she reminds her of me, which I'm off-kilter enough to take that as a compliment. I loved Strangers With Candy ( yes, I WILL be buying the DVD when it comes out November 14), but having read the book, I understand why people think she is mentally ill--something I've been accused of more than once. She has an whole other aesthetic sensibility than high-design ever intended. Or, maybe being high has contributed to her design sense. The great thing is she has all her favorite recipes, and it's all photographed in the orange-filtered method of Better Homes & Gardens early 1970s photography in its books on cooking and design - you know what I mean by that , right? (along that same vein is James Lileks' superb Interior Desecrations with pee-your pants text he's added - Priceless!).

So anyway, I went back to sleep and dreamt I was reading Amy's book, and I dreamt there were several references to me in it "phlegmfatale says..." with entertaining tips from moi. I ran out into a busy, crowded street with the book to show people, and then I took a bubble bath. What does it all mean?

Anyway, I've been working like a fiend on some jewelry, and I have a design I really like right now, and I can't wait to show you. Y'all have a great week. I may not make the blog rounds again until I get my cable 'net, so please don't think I've forgotten your blogs just because I'm not commenting for a bit. Cheers, people!


Badpatty said...

A pirate walks into a bar. He has a steering wheel stuffed down the front of his trousers. The barkeep says, "Hey, buddy! Why do you have a steering wheel down the front of your trousers?" The pirate replies, "I dunno, matey, but it's driving me nuts!"

That's my personal favorite.

Meg said...

Wouldn't it be nice if you were sending vibes to the author in your sleep, and she tracks you down?

When I went back a month of your blog to try to sort out your road trips, for some reason I was reminded of a book I abandoned midway - so I went to the basement and got it out of the box. It's "Snobbery, the American Version" by one Joseph Epstein (is he a famous bloke?) and he has a massive vocabulary it's a hard slog and entertaining at once, but a lot more snobbier and down-to-earth than Alain de Botton. I'm going back to THIS the next time I can't sleep.

Kelly said...

Amy Sedaris was on Martha Stewart the other day.

I was pretty sure she was insane.

Bluepaintred said...

my first click and comment monday comment! cool web name

lilfeathers2000 said...

Its C& C Monday Have a God Blessed week

Maven said...

I bought Amy's book this weekend, and will be reading it soon. I got three books, and well, I can't put down, "Stop dressing your child like a skank." Seriously.

The entire Sedaris family seems to be a talented bunch. I love her brother's stuff, and I, too, have the Strangers With Candy on my Amazon wishlist...

Heather B said...

I adore that joke ... maybe because that is something I can see myself doing :)

FHB said...

Eeeew, narly. Icky. Love it. We know yer out there. Comment when you can.

phlegmfatale said...

badpatty - I LOVE that joke! Hilarious!

meg - yeah, that would be weird and cool. We'll know if Amy Sedaris ever tracks me down, it was preordained by my dream. Ick. I'm sounding like a stalker fan. Or is she stalking ME? Snobbery the American version sounds like an interesting book - must look that up

kelly - AS on Martha Stewart???!!! That's totally whack!

bluepaintred - thanks - glad you like it!

lilfeathers - thanks, hon!

nuggetmaven - I'm hoping that "Stop dressing your child like a skank" is a number 1 bestseller - people need to get the message that childhood is for children, not whores-in-waiting. Yeah, the Sedaris clan is an odd one, to say the least. They all seem kooky in very different ways, and that's saying something.

heatherb - *L* You can see yourself sucking off the chocolate, or eating the peanuts?

fathairybastard - Yeah, I knew you'd like it!