Monday, October 09, 2006


It's great having my braces off. The orthodontist told me about a month ago that I can just wear the retainers at night now. Problem with that is if you forget to wear them for just a night, they are a little painful the next night when you pop them back in. Also, I have to leave them soaking in fizzy denture cleaner in the day.

I have never had a cavity or a tooth problem other than unfortunate arrangement, so it's kind of a weird thrill to buy a denture product and have a kid at the register look at me and wonder which tooth is prosthetic. Tee hee.

I know you care deeply and were dying to see it, so here's my bottom retainer in peach sparkle acrylic with an embedded bunny-rabbit sticker. Cute, eh?

The top retainer is fuscia/teal sparkle acrylic with a weenie dog and penguin stickers. They thought I was retarded because I wanted the fun perks they give the little kids. I figured I'm paying a shitload for these appliances, damned if I want them blending in! This is my version of conspicuous consumption. My philosophy is any thing a Japanese 5-year-old would find appealing must be stylish, right?

Husband told a story of when he was in 6th grade and threw his retainer away on the lunch tray, and his mom took him to school that night and they climbed into the dumpster and dug through it to keep from having to pay the extra $200 for a new retainer. Sure enough, they found it, cleaned it off and continued apace.

Well, I've got news: my retainers are $595 for the pair (stickers and glitter ain't cheap, baby!), and if they ever end up in a dumpster, either HE is digging for them alone, or mama buying new ones.

11 comments:

FHB said...

Damn, that looks awful.

Jerrster said...

hey...great to see you back...linked up again. yes, I must check in with the Pouf-bunnies again that was some fun.

Unknown said...

I had braces as an adult too. I got mine off a few months ago. My retainer doesn't look that cool. Mine look like invisalines.

Becky said...

You'd think after all these years, they would've come up with some better retainer options:)

Dick said...

Looks painful. I think I'll pass.
Oh, thanks for turning off the greatest asswhipping of all time.
Turd verifaction.

LJ said...

You are nothing if not a paragon of style, m'dear!
I wonder if you'd have liked the earrings I made out of my cat's rabies tags?
You, me, and all the little Japanese schoolgirls.

lilfeathers2000 said...

I had an appliance(tmj) and damn if that thing didn't mess up my teeth.

Nightmare said...

I wore braces for 3 years and my retainer I think is probably still in the little case it came in and at the bottom of the landfll. I hated it it made me sound like one of the Queer Eye guys and I was the starting center for the football team in high school and there was NO WAY I was going to call the defense with a lisp!!.

Anonymous said...

You will dream about those damn things for twenty years.

I did, anyway.

PSA: kids, if you're getting old and your gums are receding, use that TOTAL shit or anything with Triclosan. Your heart will thank me for this comment.

Just do it.

Drugs are cool.

JUST ME said...

yo. i tried to stick my retainer in after a year.



...i thought my jaw was going to crumble.

phlegmfatale said...

fathairybastard - not so bad, though - not as painful as braces. AND I can take it out to floss - HEAVEN!

jerrster - nice to see your ornery hide again!

pud - that is probably more comfortable than my retainers
becky - by now I have very low expectations

big dick - good for you and you're welcome

lj rabies-tag earrings are definitely my speed
lilfeathers - tmj is a bear to deal with - and IT will mess up your teeth, snapping the tiny little ligaments that hold the gums to the tooth surface. It's evil, is TMJ

nightmare - I don't blame you - I'm 41 and I sound like a teenager with my 'tainers in.

nein thanks for the tips for better living!

jess - they shift, don't they? Seriously, I'm afraid to go more than a day without it in, or it will be too painful to put back in and an it will be all that effort and expense down the drain!