Thursday, July 13, 2006

My dad has a brother, Wayne, who is a bit of a colorful character. Uncle Wayne and Dad were somewhere together recently and a huge hombre covered in tattoos and wearing big rings walked by. This guy had a massive knife in a sheath down the side of his leg, the bottom of which was tied around his thigh, like an old-timey gun holster. Uncle Wayne said to my dad "Look at that: he thinks he's gonna shit a bear and need to cut it loose."

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your Uncle Wayne is a funny feller. Were they in Texas, though? Last I checked, here in Texas you can't carry anything over 5.5 inches.

Kelly said...

Maybe he thought he was Crocodile Dundee?

phlegmfatale said...

ben heller - I asked my dad and he said the guy DID hear Wayne, but didn't appear angry OR amused. Oh, and I was mistaken about this having happened recently - it was about 10 years ago and the guy has since been murdered by his stepson. He was a biker dude, a customer of my dad's, and he lived and loitered in a part of Dallas that is a bit more rough around the edges and loosey-goosey than a starched white neighborhood.

I'm picturing the bounty hunter guy from Raising Arizona.

James - Wayne is a total ass, but he is occasionally an extremely funny ass. Yes, you can legally walk around with a big blade strapped on if it is openly visible. My understanding is the size limit of 5.5 inches on a blade in Texas is for a concealed knife(i.e. hidden in a pocket or somewhere on your person. Someone correct me if I'm wrong.

o.g. - Possibly, or maybe Crocodile Dundee was trying to be him, or maybe he was the guy with "Bad Motherfucker" printed on his wallet. The third is my guess.

nongirlfriend - isn't it? I've got a million of them!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

How can you stand being around your family? I tell you, if I had to do that much laughing all the time, I'd be investing in Depends.

Anonymous said...

Well, I went and looked, and near as I can tell, according to the Texas penal code, it's unlawful to carry an illegal knife. 'Illegal knife' is defined as having a blade length of more than 5.5 inches. This is, of course, only my interpretation, so don't quote me if you start packing a knife around and get stopped by the police.

Dave MacIntyre said...

Classic!!! And his stepson murdered him? He obviously should have opted to wear a .357 Magnum instead of a sword!

Anonymous said...

Isn't it funny that the latest census on average penile length is also 5.5 inches? They stopped using data in which men measured themselves in these polls and the average size decreased. I guess everyone decided to round up to the nearest inch. Evidently that final half inch is deadly...
-Al

phlegmfatale said...

barbara - yeah, lots of funny folk in my family (not all of them intentionally so, though). We have a good time - there's never yelling and screaming or vicious arguments or anything like that. Wayne can be hilarious, but he can also be incredibly mean. I'd like to think it's unintentional. Then again, I probably seem pretty mean sometimes, too. And I assure you it's usually unintentional, in my case!

james - oh, I'm packing a knife, darling, but the blade is more diminutive than the outrage of 5.5 inches. I dunno how or why the guy got away with it - but apparently being brazen paid off for him. At least until his stepson popped him.

dave macintyre - Yeah, it's funny that asking about it the next day I got the bit of the story about him being murdered. Yup, a .357 woulda come in handy, definitely. I suppose his fairy godmother was on furlough that day. He sounds like a sight to behold, though.

anonymous Al - *L* Sounds like an angry half inch, frankly. This seems like more than a coincidence. I'm calling foul.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad to know that you're carrying a knife, since so few ladies do so anymore. It took me forever to convince my darling bride to carry and use the pocket knife I gave her, but I finally wore her down through repeated trips to our favorite barbecue joint.