Wednesday, July 05, 2006

THIS JUST IN: Go here to see a couple of long-time friends of mine - we play cards together - they're the ones with the hot pink feather boas, and Lisa is the one talking with the mile-high white wig.

Wow, what a day!

I celebrated the 4th as nature intended: Independently.

I crawled out of bed at an inexplicable 9:00 am and started cleaning. I made a pitcher of iced tea -mostly earl gray with a bit of black tea, and went on a Caberet Voltaire infused bout of deep-cleaning. Frenzy is not a big enough word.

OK. First I popped in the vid of Tori Amos' complete videos from 1991-1998, listened to that through twice, then in went the Talk Talk videos which I do dearly love- Mark Hollis is still the most fetching bloke ever even 22 years later, no matter how he pronounces "trousers," and at last came the dvd of Cabaret Voltaire live from the Hacienda ( a club in Manchester ) 1983 and 1986, with a couple of vid extras thrown in for the slavish devotees. (ME! ME!) This includes a live version of "I Want You" my favorite song EVAH. Sweet. I will CLEAN THE WORLD!

You know, you may not have cut your teeth on hardcore industrial like I did in the early 80s, but trust me when I say that a lot of the rot-gut-shit that I'm in love with has filtered down to be consumed piecemeal by the public, cause the public can't handle it whole-cloth, but it's too immaculate to be ignored. It's funny to me that listening to vintage CV I kept thinking that George Clinton was rassling with the same musical ideology about 10 years later, and trust me when I say George Clinton is about 15 years ahead of the mainstream pop. It's just too good to be enjoyed on a mass basis, ya know?

I'm not biased or anything. Just honest.
Hey! I'm like the teenage cheerleader in the T Mobile commercial. Isn't that sad - she's the one person on TV I identify with, and that only because she aspires to be like me.

Anyhoo - had a brush with death in my mad cleaning frenzy and I'll tell you about it.

I got into the pantry and pulled out everything, throwing out all the stuff in cans that were out of date. How sad is that?
About 3 years ago I was in a cooking phase and getting into all sorts of things British (and why not?) and I bought a couple tins of treacle, one of them black( a lot like molasses). You never know when a guest will bring a pudding by that wants topping, do you? Anyway, they'd been lurking at the back of the pantry since I moved from my last loft to the house exactly 2 years ago.

I pulled the treacle tins out and vexed over how to open them. They have pop-in lids like the powdered chocolate for milk in the USA used to have - only these were heavy-duty tins which would not be prised free of their lids with a mere table spoon. Oh no. I had to call in the heavy artillery.

I used a lemon zester from the utility drawer and made minor progress, but grew impatient. I saw a slab of stainless steel lying on the counter from the IKEA expedition yesterday, and began to prise away the lid. At last it popped free while leaving a gloppy smear on the steel, so I stuck the steel thing under the tap of super-hot running water.
This is smart, right? Why did MIT never invite me to dampen their bathmat?
So next is the tin of black treacle. I try the zester, to no avail. Genius that I am, I grab that steel thing.

Not thinking how hot it is on the end. The merest tap of the molten hot steel on the black treacle tin and the lit EXPLODED into the air, festooning me with a dusting of treacle freckles. Even my glasses had the little brown spots. The sound was deafening, and I heard the lid land with a decisive *sploink* into the trash bin across the kitchen.

So there I was, hot water running to clean out the other tin, half-deaf, strange industrial music blaring from the other room, spots all over the lenses of my glasses (which I almost never wear - freakish, that!) and wondering WTF just happened.

So now I'm obsessing, envisioning the lid of the treacle tin embedded in my forehead and not being found for days, the hot water tap running and "sex money freaks" blasting from the dvd player.


Just how I wanna go. And I missed out on it.


Tickersoid said...

I won't feel happy about you until husband gets back.
You're not safe to be left alone.

phlegmfatale said...

ben heller- Not going gently into the long dark teatime of the soul. I blinked and blinked, dazzled, ears ringing, and I thought this is embarrassingly stupid. I knew it was my duty to humanity - that I was spared to spread the news of my ignorance as a cautionary tale to help others!

tickersoid - now THAT is priceless, darling, from the guy who casually set his kitchen on fire whilst posting a comment on my blog. You make it sound like he left the baby playing with a razor blade! *L* You'll be relieved to know he flies home tonight.

Liz said...

You need to make Danger Pudding today. Just to keep on the edge. And check out the video of Lisa and the Bean in the Lakewood parade!

phlegmfatale said...

liz - Y'all were SO cute in the hot pink boas - I loved your poodle-headed wig thingie, and Lisa's was just off the chain! Clearly I'm primed for a death-defying session of Danger Pudding-ness.

Will said...

Well. Glad you're ok. Happy belated 4th to you - at least you were productive. I am going to try that - playing the favorite music videos as motivation to get cleaning.

Anonymous said...

I love Lakewood. When I get back from Seattle (in 3-4 years), I hope to buy a house there and host fabulous dinner parties for all my dear friends.

LJ said...

I think exploding a can of treacle on the 4th of July is very patriotic. Kind of like dumping tea in a harbour only far more inventive.

phlegmfatale said...

will - happy belated 4th to you as well. Now when you play that good music, don't forget to stop for the occasional dance interlude.

brett - no one does fabulous dinners like you. You're THE man. Can't wait.

lj - Well, that is a lovely way of viewing it, so long as I end in the plus column and the treacle concludes in the negative.

CP said...

You are dangerous.

Fun...but dangerous.


Bored Housewife said...


I was a cheerleader, and I want to be you...

Also, my greatest fear is that I'll choke to death while driving on a lonely road somewhere. Don't eat and drive!!!

Mary said...

.. thank God you were wearing the glasses is all I can say to this.

Ah treacle, we had it at home when I was a kid. It's great stuff, really gives substance to a pudding, so don't be put off by this small, um, mishap.

Nice to be back PF!

phlegmfatale said...

cp - Not the first time I've been called a hazard, darling, but I DO try to make it a fun ride...

lisa - why thank ye, honey! I know what you mean - 40 people could cross an ice-capped pond on foot before me, and if there were a weak spot in the ice, it would be waiting for me, so there are some things I simply won't do. However, you never think you're taking your life in your hands when you're cleaning the kitchen cupboard. On the contrary, you sort of think you're avoiding botulism, or some such!
Not eating and driving is a good idea - I'd probably skewer something with a kabob or spill my soup.

nongirlfriend - I am smitten with Iced tea this way. Sometimes if I'm feeling really fussy, I'll shake it up with ice in a cocktail shaker, and it comes out so chilled and clear. Then I drink it from a big thin-walled crystal glass - love it.

mary - YEah, gloppy treacle goo in the eyeball can't be good for you! It really is lovely. In fact, the tins were so pretty that I had to save them. Not to worry - I still know it's good stuff. Nice to see you, hon!