Two years ago tonight I was in the hospital with pneumonia. I'd felt for a long time I needed to make changes in my life, and the circumstances surrounding my illness and its treatment really motivated me to go through with those changes.
My parents came in to see me and I felt sad, seeing the worry in their faces, and knowing they were right to worry. Pneumonia is bad business. I hope I never have that stuff again, and I hope none of my dear ones do, either. Mom and dad brought me beautiful flowers, and I still carry in a pocket of my purse the little card mom wrote with the flowers.
I was at a low point personally, and I knew I was, in fact, deathly ill because I realized I might die and I was kind of okay with that. I felt weak and only halfway there as if part of me had already slipped away. They ran a pic line into my heart so the meds would jump right in the hopper at ground zero, and after 3 days of IV meds, I awakened about 1 in the morning on that Thursday, and I realized I was getting better because I was suddenly despairing of my personal plight. I realized with the recovery time from the illness (it took many months), it would now take me even longer to change my circumstances. I was right. I knew I was getting better because there in the hospital, I cried for hours. I cried until I felt my eyelids would turn inside out. I cried until my eyes were dry. Oh, and I'm generally not a cryer.
That's been on my mind a lot this week. I'm generally not a maudlin person, but in an odd way, the memory of that time has been a welcome bit of perspective when all the folks at work were herded into a large room to be told they are beginning layoffs. Amazingly, I was not let go Wednesday, but I'm not holding my breath, either.
I hate uncertainty. I know everyone does, but it's unnerving when you start to feel that pretty much everything people hang their hats on is illusory anyway.
Jobs. Security. Insurance.
What is it all, really?
Sometimes, though, stepping off a ledge can be the most freeing thing. Wednesday morning I woke up at 4:30 and went out to see the peak of the Perseid meteor shower. Whatever happens, there will always be beauty in the world, if you just look for it.
This is going to be interesting.