Friday, November 02, 2007

I saw it.
I had to have it.
I bought it.

The latest entry in my catalog of needless purchases comes courtesy of the CVS pharmacy markdown Halloween aisle.

I was looking at bottled water, when I heard it calling to me from one aisle over. "Phlegm" it whispered. I did not resist. My path was strewn with boxes from the new Christmas decorations with which the staff were working through the night to swag the joint. Undaunted, I stepped over the boxes and walked along the aisle. It was love at first sight: My new Animated Lowrider. It's so cool. True love for $7.49-- who says money can't buy me love? It's a black station-wagon (hearse?) driven by a couple skeletons with ripped red headliner (or drapes) hanging down and flapping in the wind. When you push the button, the front end lifts up and green LEDs glow from underneath the chassis and a red LED glows from the dome, and all this to the dulcet tones of "Another one bites the dust."

THIS was meant for my collection. I went home and did a search on "animated lowrider" and found this treasure, which I promptly ordered, of course. This one (pictured) comes replete with a vato, Hulk Hogan and Samuel L. Jackson, along with a primer-gray passenger door. This one plays War's classic Lowrider. What's not to like? This will go nicely nestled amongst the floaty pen and wind-up toy collections. I'll just make a note to keep them well away from the ladies in the tip-n-strip pens and the cheesy 60s girlie playing cards.

Wednesday I went to my folks' house to see niece and nephew in their Halloween finery (she was a fairy and he was a ninja) so Miss Buns had to forego any birthday celebration. The next night I took her to the dog park to celebrate her birthday. We'd been there nearly an hour when a guy I remembered who looked like John Leguizamo showed up, and the smile on my face froze when I remembered that he has this little evil poodle from hell. EPFH is maybe 12 pounds and is close-cropped all over except for his over-grown head hair, which sorta gives him a scraggly lion effect. EPFH looks like he's been over-pruned and the wisps on the tail and skinny body give him a look like a little old man, but that big head is freaky, and he's a right horny little bastard. He makes the rounds of the humans, letting them know he's arrived. He'll pee on one person's leg, and then hump a leg of the next person over. He's so nasty. I scooped up my doglet and tried not to look TOO eager to get out of there, but I was delighted we made our exit before EPFH made it around to my leg. I really wonder about that dog, but I'm afraid to ask the guy. Yuck.


Christina RN LMT said...

So, where're you going to put the new wheels?

BTW, sounds like you have a "Capt. Kirk" of your own at the dog park!

Poor Phlegm, and poor Doglet!

It sucks to be chased away like that, but discretion is the better part of valor!

Anonymous said...

Men and their dogs! LOL

Maybe the dog doesn't get out much and needs Caesar Milan to teach him a few nice tricks;)

Glad you escaped before being peed on or humped.

g bro said...

The hearse sounds cool but the multiethnic low rider is terrific! I live the primer - clearly it's a work in progress before he gets his car fully outfitted.

How do you know they're called tip-and-strip? And here I thought you were just an operatic, jewelry-making, shoe-shopping, gun-shooting, real-estate-managing, doglet-loving bon vivant. Now I have to add "kitsch-collecting" to your adjective string. ;-)

none said...

Awesome halloween item. I need to head over to cvs and get one!

Lin said...

Geez, I thought I was the only one who gets a charge out of animated schlock - shudda known!

The EPFH walker ALLOWED his pooch to do those things to other dogwalkers? Gads, he was probably getting some warped vicarious sex thrill from it then. Probably thought you were playing 'hard to get'.

LBJ said...

The sad thing is the dog probably learned all that from watching his owner. EWWWW.

HollyB said...

I think a gentle, 3-yd punt, accompanied by an ear-piercieng shriek would go a long way toward teaching EPFH and owner such behavior is inappropriate.

phlegmfatale said...

christina - yeah, I thought of that menace from your dog park when I was writing that! Creepy!

lainy - my shins remain unmolested

g bro - I know they are called tip-n-strip because I collect them, darling. Yes, I'm a big sucker for kitsch - it knows my name and calls me often, and I'm helpless to resist.

hammer - you're gonna love it. I hope you find one.

lin - I really wanted the James Brown from a few years back, and now I'm in love with Buck, the singing deer, but I haven't turned the corner to shelling out $79 for that wall trophy. Then again, it IS decorative... Hmmm.. I think I'll mosey on over to WalMart directly...

Yeah, that guy can NOT be unaware of his dog's bad behavior. Yuck.

skywriter - omg - that is a disgusting thought. Ew. Next time, I'll run out of there, not walk.

holly - let's just say if that little devil comes near me, I'm going to send it airborne. Excellent suggestion.

Tam said...


I loves the little car with the little dudes!

phlegmfatale said...

tam - it's SOOOOO kewt! Even better in person.