Thursday, May 11, 2006

I've always had a fixation with teeth. Not to the degree of peculiarity or anything, I just seem to focus on them. I loved pulling my baby teeth--I'll spare you the details. I'm ok with braces and that sort of thing, obviously, but taking perfectly healthy teeth, grinding them down and bonding veneers to them is peculiar, to say the least. Remember David Bowie's real teeth? Remember Cher's? How unfortunate that people allow themselves to be persuaded to hide a very distinctive and personal feature with a fake, homogenous appliance. It's kinda sick. Some of the most fabulous yet kinda wonky teeth I can think of are Patricia Arquette - and she's nothing but a cute little honey pot. It would be a shame if she ever altered her fetching smile.

Speaking of sick, one of my favorite dental gross-out scenes was in Castaway when Tom Hanks performs a tooth extraction on himself using the blade of an ice skate and a rather large rock. Throughout the theater were audible gasps and groans, and then, the sound of me giggling maniacally. Now if this kind of stuff happened on those so-called reality survival shows, that would be worth watching.


Thomas J Wolfenden said...

You just HAD to have seen the look on Kat Woman's face when I pulled that loose toothe out of my head at the Mexican place.

It was clasic!

Ms. M said...

I agree that teeth are a very distinctive, personal feature that gives us personality. BUT, having said that, I've seen some horrendous, hellacious, distracting as HELL teeth that a little dental bonding or veneering wouldn't necessarily hurt. Don't you watch Extremem Makeover? Some of these people's teeth on that show are unfucking real! I feel for them. I had to go through 3years of braces (pain) and 5 years of retainers as well as have my jaw repositioned. But, my teeth are my own, no bonding or veneering. I'm just glad dental technology has come far enough to help those with horrendous teeth. Now decent, healthy teeth that are just a bit crooked, no problem! I agree with you on those types for sure. But you have to wonder if Steve Buscemi thought of fixing his. He's pretty fucking snaggle toothed!

Dick said...

That was a great scene and I had forgotten all about it.
Thanks for the reminder!

phlegmfatale said...

ranger tom - I LOVED that story about you knocking out 3 teeth, having them re-installed, and them gradually losing the will to remain attached. Even though it sounds extraordinarily painful. Yeah, I would have loved the drama of the moment when the date casually pulls a tooth out. I'd be complimented they were so engrossed(gross!) in conversation with me that the tooth loss was a non-event. I dunno - that's a picture that provokes a great many reactions, actually. Funny.

ms. m - No, I don't watch Extreme Makeover because even though I've drunk the kool-aid on American Idol, those makeover shows outrage me on principle. I really do see your point, and I understand the appeal of that kind of thing. Yes, some people's teeth are just tragic. However, I have a problem with the idea of a quick-fix making everything in life better. I won't lie - I'd LOVE to win the lottery or find out I'm the sole remaining relative of a dying Greek tycoon, but even so, I have to find some contentment with where I am, materially. I think only the individual can change the way they live. I agree, some people have ugly teeth, but I think slapping veneers on them rather than fixing a structual problem is a bad way of addressing the problem.

I will say it's maybe cruel of me to take this hardline stance on what other people should do, because I turned out naturally so incredibly cute. *LOL*

I just completed 22 months of braces, btw, and I've been in retainers for 2 weeks. Despite all the discomfort and expense, your braces and surgery most likely have resulted in a bite which evenly distributes the force of chewing, which means that stress points in the bite are less likely to crack, causing you to lose teeth early. Good for you for taking the hard road with healthier and more permanent results.

Oh, and the expense of bonding - in those shows: they often put in $30K of veneers on a tragic grill of some person who could never afford it. Are those tv shows going to swoop in and pony up the high dollar amounts for replacement of veneers that have fallen out years down the line? I doubt it.

phlegmfatale said...

dick - yeah, it was great - I loved him passing out from the pain. I probably should have become a dentist, because I'd love to pull his nasty old tooth. *evil laughter*

phlegmfatale said...

Oh, and Steve Buscemi is a brilliant actor and one of my favorite snaggle-pusses. I wouldn't want him any other way. His teeth are jumbled, but look healthy enough. I think anyone as acutely intelligent as him is dead sexy, actually. He is a fascinating man of tremendous depth. Long after the rest of Hollywood's facelifts have turned garish and sub-human, natural people like SB will still be able to have a decent conversation, and I think that vastly out-paces the plasticity of shallow physical appeal.

Arthur Quiller Couch said...

I don't really bite on the teeth issue, but among your back issues I loved the "diner rage" post. We should form a Rant Club.

Steve Buscemi is re-making some Theo van Gogh movies in English. One of them with (believe this) Sienna Miller.

Jay Noel said...

You just talking about Tom Hanks slamming his tooth out makes my whole jaw hurt. Ouch.

Personally, I think Patricia should get her snaggle teeth fixed. Jewel should too.

phlegmfatale said...

arthur quiller - you're too funny. Yes, a diner rage rant club is definitely in order.

Wow - I didn't know Steve Buscemi is doing those remakes. I LOVED him as a sympathetic "romantic" lead in Ghost World. Great film, that.

phoenix - yeah, it was astonishing, the tooth extraction scene.
phoenix - Patricia and Jewel changing their teeth? You are looking at the wrong thing and are clearly retarded, my darling. *LOL*

Kelly said...

This reminds me, I have got to get this damn gap fixed some day. No fakes for me though, I'll go the braces way...again...dammit.

I don't mind snaggle tooth. Actually, I think it makes the person quite distinctive. We don't need everyone walking around with chiclets in their mouths.

Perplexio said...

Robert Lamm of Chicago had a rather interesting set of chops back in the day that he's since had coesmetically altered as well. But his smile was kind of scary back in the day.

I especially enjoy the unique smiles of hockey players. I think missing teeth is a badge of honor among hockey players.

I believe I recently noticed the Finnish Flash, Teemu Selanne was missing about 3 teeth on his upper right side. Man, being a dentist for NHL players has got to be one of the more lucrative gigs out there.

Maven said...

Just thought I'd share this dental nugget:

I once bit down on a (unbeknownst to me, *STALE*) Sugar Daddy, and in the process of trying to pry my jaw/mouth open, I yanked a molar clear out of its socket.

PS: I think the craziest thing about Steve Buscemi isn't his mouth, but his eyes. Now if you'll indulge this thought, set to the tune of Kim Carnes' song, "He's got Marty Feldman's Eyes..."

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I've never really had any dental improvements done. My teeth are okay, but not as gorgeous as the rest of me.
I'm with you on Steve Buscemi. He's totally got the geek chic happening.

June Cleaver's Revenge said...

I think Patricia Arquette has the most beautiful smile in Hollywood. Her sister Rosanna is a close second, with her overbite. I love their quirky teeth.

My teeth are straight, thanks to braces when I was a kid. I take excellent care of them and I have an obsession with flossing. My dentist always brags on how perfect my gums are for someone my age.


I guess if a man has to admire a body part of mine, it's not THAT terrible that it's only my gums.

Tickersoid said...

I loved Susan Georges overbite.

phlegmfatale said...

o.g. chiclet teeth are the worst! Oh, and keep the gap - gaps are cute.

perplexio - i'm sure among hockey players it's a badge of courage. They look so butch. That's hot. It's just weird when a very public figure has a very obvious transformation, especially when it's not for the better...

omg - nugget - details! I need details!
I don't care - teeth, eyes - Steve Buscemi has a great mind, and I lurve him.

barbara - I'm sure your teeth look great

june c's r - I agree - patricia arquette is totally gorgeous. I was dazzled by her perf. in True Romance and I've been smitten with her ever since.

tickersoid - Susan George is a handsome woman

Ms. M said...

Phlegm, you're so right. SB should never change!

Perplexio said...

phlegmfatale: One of the other members of Chicago, Bill Champlin, has undergone one of the most dramatic changes in appeance I've ever seen within a relatively short span of time.

When he joined Chicago in 1982, he was a little overweight and had short medium brown hair with a full beard and moustache-- he bore a slight resemblance to Bob Villa. In 1984 he looked essentially the same. But by 1986, he'd dropped a lot of weight and shaved the beard (leaving the moustache)-- essentially he transformed from Bob Villa into John Holmes. By 1988 the moustache was gone and the hair was in a blonde mullet thick enough for squirrels to nest in. Looking at his 1984 picture next to his 1988 or 1989 pictures he looks like 2 different people.

phlegmfatale said...

ms. m - if SB hasn't changed before now, I believe he won't ever.

perplexio - I looked him up on google images and you're right - quite a transformation. Maybe he was trying to distance himself from the hippie balladeer image? You pegged it - he looks like 2 different people.

Becky said...

Ooooh, we are so different on this. I can't stand looking at a celeb's crooked teeth or gaps in the front. Then again, I'm like that with regular people, too.

Zelda said...

My mom has the veneers. They look pretty bad, but sadly, they look far better than her original teeth. But I find little toothy quirks endearing. Except for Madonna's gap. Lauren Hutton's gap is precious, but Madonna's gap makes me want to punch her in the nose. Or maybe it's her fake British accent.

phlegmfatale said...

becky- *L* You're a tough crowd, babe!

zelda - I'm not against it in all cases, I'm just saying that sometime the more difficult solution (braces, better hygiene) is a more sensible and permanent and healthy fix to the cosmetic problem. Yeah, I love the gaps on women's teeth, but Madonna has turned straight-up annoying. Yeah, it's the accent, it's the shit mothering, it's all of her vapid self-absorption.