Saturday, December 08, 2012

Dearest Darling Asshole,

Although in your realm of lawyerdom you are a big wheel and rilly, rilly important, you should learn than you don't know everything about everything. I work in a field so very beneath your exalted self that it is inconceivable to you that there may be minutiae to which I am privy of which you are -- Shock! Horror!-- ignorant. But it is true. I know stuff about which you know nothing. You probably think you could operate a backhoe or a helicopter or catch the biggest fish because all the people who do those jobs are so obviously stupider than your bad self. You know what the frightening reality is, Mr. Raspberry? You NEED your garbage men. You NEED that lowly grunt who reads your meter. You need the guy who cleans the backed up shit from your plumbing so you don't have to sully your lily-white collar with the putrescence of real life that "incompetent" (read lower economic classes) people like myself tidy up for you because you do, indeed, poop and it does, indeed, stink. And you NEED me.

It's rather delicious that you called my colleague one desk over to complain that "some idiot in Texas" called you, because we are nowhere near the border. Unlike myself, she was BORN here in Texas and took profound umbrage.

Myself, I admit I cried when I got off the phone with you a couple of hours ago, but I am over it. I have bigger fish to fry and an actual life. You, otoh, are saddled with the unimaginable burden of going through life as yourself. I feel sorry for the lonely Hell that must be for you, but you deserve it.
An idiot in Texas who is thankful for the brevity of our relationship

P.S.: You have a very distinctive name. My boyfriend promised me if he ever meets you, he'll punch you in the gooch. I advise you to steer broadly clear of Texas.


Anonymous said...

Give me his name.


Borepatch said...

Manners would cost him nothing. Bless his heart. ;-)

Jennifer said...

He should probably stay north of the Mason Dixon line just to keep his bases covered. Although, assholes like that tend to find gooch punching eventually.

Jay G said...

I will gladly give your boyfriend an alibi.

Just sayin'

Old NFO said...

Yep, we were at the range ALL day... :-)

Cliff Smith said...

He is not safe above the Mason Dixon line.

Skip said...

Nor here in Kali.
A crotch kick with a size 12 1/5 would be enjoyable.

Rabbit said...

I've got plenty of gas and I can pencil something in easily. Of course, I'll be logged into the network and working the whole time, sure. Just look at my logfiles :D

phlegmfatale said...

EmmGee - I'd dearly love to.
Borepatch - what kind of life does a person have who only seeks to be nasty? Not a life I would want.
Jennifer - in a just world, my dear!
Jay G - you're a good man!
Old NFO - I LOVE you people!
Cliff Smith - also, in a perfect world!
Skip - YAY!
Rabbit - you so totally rock. I say again that I LOVE you people!