Friday, July 03, 2009

Exploding Dog! A Foul Order! Oh NOES!

Yeah, we've all been there.

Was poking around in old emails and came across this gem from 1999. Yes, I knew the original author. This family friend had just acquired his first puppy, a beagle named Jasper. About a year after this email, he and his wife brought Jasper over to my loft to play with Valentine, and Jasper trotted up to the sofa, hiked his leg and peed. Fortunately that day, Jasper did not have gastrointestinal trauma to couple with his voluntary incontinence. I was horrified-- I mean, you can't SAY the obvious: "um, your dog is intercoursing PEEING on my melon-farming sofa!!!" I just blanched and tried to get the dinner on the table. Ye tap-dancing dogs! Therefore, I deem it entirely appropriate to share this email with all and sundry as repayment for the cleaning bill on the sofa. Yeuch.

From: Sent: Tuesday, November 30, 1999 14:48
Subject: Exploding Dog
Jasper exploded last night. I got up because he wanted out, but I thought he had just gotten out of bed. "Good Boy! You woke me up to do your thing!" To my dismay, a foul order was detected as I walked down the hall. "Damn!" I thought to myself as I fumbled in the dark for the light switch. As the pain of the light hit my still sleeping eyes the magnitude of the disaster brought me to a fully awakened state. There IT was! or should I say, There THEY were! After counting 20 individual piles of shit, I stopped. They ranged in shape and size from the "full enchilada" to the "puddle o' poop" to the "LaBrea Tar Pit" and everything in between. The one that caught my eye next, nearly dropped my jaw. There on the wall was the ultimate puzzle for my midnight mind. How the HELL did my dog SHIT ON THE WALL!!!! All I can envision is ass-end pointed to the wall and ...FIRE AWAY!! How and why he did it will forever remain a mystery, but the six-inch long stain that ran down the wall will forever be burned in my memory.


J.R.Shirley said...

Horrible...but I haven't been fond of many of the beagles I've met, anyway.

Jon said...

My minds racing with thoughts of snarky comments and port-a-cans at outdoor concerts. There's a profound comment to be made, but the amount of caffeine required would mean a coffee IV.

Dan said...

melon farmer *snicker*

Old NFO said...

hoo boy... Obviously "something" he ate... Glad I wasn't the one cleaning it up :-)

Rabbit said...


I was just thinking about Praline, Chuy, and Panda comparing notes in your living room floor.


OrangeNeckInNY said...

That was grossly entertaining!!

Home on the Range said...

projective pooping - will canine wonders ever cease?