Sunday, June 07, 2020

Having lost all my mirth...

Lately I've struggled mightily with the grief of losing Dad. I seem to have waves of days in which I cry a great deal, and this weekend has been sort of a tsunami. Maybe it's because Father's Day is next week. My eyes just get dried up and they start leaking again.

I messaged my sister tonight and she said to read Ecclesiastes 7, and that was good advice:
A good name is better than precious ointment
    and the day of death than the day of birth.
It is better to go to the house of mourning
    than to go to the house of feasting,
    for this is the end of all mankind,
    and the living will lay it to heart.
Sorrow is better than laughter,
    for by sadness of face the heart is made glad.
The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,
    but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.
It is better for a man to hear the rebuke of the wise
    than to hear the song of fools. 
For as the crackling of thorns under a pot,
    so is the laughter of the fools, this also is vanity.
Surely oppression drives the wise into madness, 
    and a bribe corrupts the heart.
Better is the end of a thing than its beginning,
    and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.
Be not quick in your spirit to become angry,
    for anger lodges in the heart of fools.
Say not, "Why were the former days better than these?"
    For it is not from wisdom that you ask this.
Wisdom is good with an inheritance, 
    an advantage to those who see the sun.
For the protection of wisdom is like the protection of money,

    and the advantage of knowledge is that wisdom preserves the life of him who has it.
Consider the work of God:
    who can make straight what he has made crooked?
Ecclesiastes 1:1-13 ESV

I must be doing well, because I am SO so far from the house of mirth. But what a wonderful comfort to have my dear sister and brother and Mom.

I ran out of the house on an errand about 9 o'clock tonight. I got home about 30 minutes later and I saw something so beautiful that it felt like a little postcard from Heaven, the twinkling of Dad's eyes: the yard was aswarm with what looked like a thousand tiny fireflies emitting the visual symphony of their little phosphorescent semaphore. I haven't seen so many fireflies at once since I was a small child, and they were big green Ozark fireflies. These are so tiny that they are like little flashes of glitter, and you could almost doubt your senses if you only see one or two. Tonight they are out in force and emitting the glory of their species. I take a moment to hope and pray they will make lots of wonderful new fireflies that will hatch and bless the world a year from now. I am pleased to realize that I can still hope.


Vinogirl said...

So sorry for your loss. My mother passed recently and it's been hard. Sometimes I just can't grasp what makes me melancholy on any given day, other than that empty feeling of course. The fireflies were a reminder that your dad is with you...just like my earring in the vineyard. Parents are forever.

Thud said...

Hey, long time since we wrote....I need to call round here more often....good to see you are thriving.

Old NFO said...

Remember the good, and take pleasure when it is offered...

phlegmfatale said...

I'm sorry about your Mom, Vinogirl. I read a little of it on yours and Thud's blogs, but the real grief of it is impossible to express in words, isn't it? Yes, the fireflies were just like your earring - little blessings that had been stored up in the ground and waiting for the perfect moment to surprise and remind us of all that is good.

Thud - Glad to see you are thriving, and that your lovely and talented kids are making great music. They're fantastic, and I look forward to hearing more from them.

Old NFO - you are a good friend. :)

Thud said...

Sharing the loss goes a tiny way to soothing the pain, anything helps.

Kim Carney said...

So envious of your firefly experience!!! xoxoxo

JohninMd.(HELP!) said...

We grieve with thee, Phlegmie, hope you've found a coping system to deal with the sense of emptiness such loss causes. Having lost my parents decades ago, I still find myself asking them questions,wishing to hear their answer....

John T. Block said...

Today is June 29, 2021....
Come back to us, Flemmi! Ride, shoot straight, and speak the Truth, no regrets EVAH.... AND DRAG LAWDAWG along with ya, I miss you both. Love and hugs from Occupied Maryland.