Monday, January 04, 2010

vibrating tool for your eyelashes

When you consider mascara, does the idea of holding a wand with hundreds of little bristle tips up to your eyeball not fill you with enough horror yet? Now you can get a mascara with a vibrating lash wand. Is something wrong with me that I should find this such an immaculately bad idea? I have a hard enough time not sticking a mascara wand in my eyes as it is without the wildcard element of battery-powered vibration. Not. Good. Anyway, can a product safety recall be long in coming?

And speaking of preposterous practices done in the name of beauty, I think eyelash curlers are one of the silliest, scariest things people do to themselves. These horrifying things always make me wonder how many people have ripped a whole lid of lashes out in one go. Gluing fake eyelashes on makes more sense. Did you know there are salons specializing in semi-permanent attachment of mink eyelashes now? *nodding* Yes. Silly. Anyway, eyelash curlers look like some form of torture device or mini guillotine wannabe. Ew. I'm all for enhancing what one has, but only up to a point. As for mink eyelash enhancements, why not go whole-hog and use monkey-fur? You'll have long, muppet-like eyelashes and a monkey will die. Everybody wins!





And while we're on the subject, what is with the spate of frighteningly over-groomed young men everywhere with over-waxed eyebrows? Guys like Edward from Twilight. I'm not saying a fellow should aspire to go around like a wooly booger or anything, but I'd rather see a man with a healthy crop of various facial hair than one who looks like he spends more money and time grooming his eyebrows in a month than most people do in a lifetime. By all means, fellows, tidy up, but don't over-do it. We like you because you are men. Besides, you should be secure enough to let your Lady be the pretty one. And we all think you're wonderful and handsome without too much tinkering, anyway.












13 comments:

D.W. said...

As if all this wasn't crazy enough, what about that new prescription drug for inducing the growth of eyelashes that just hit the market? Medical science can't yet cure cancer but now they can make your eyelashes grow? I do believe we may finally have reached the height of vanity with that one...

Anonymous said...

Wasn't it Jennifer Lopez who was 'fashionably late' because her mink eyelashes didn't arrive on time.
(Don't get me started on fashionbly later, or otherwise chronically late).
However, there is a woman here in town who has-no joke-eyelashes over an inch long (eat your heart out Elizabeth Taylor). They're natural, and they verge on the grotesque, particularly since she CURLS them!
Elsewhere PhD

Roscoe said...

Overwaxed eyebrows on a man? Why, Phlegmy, he could have a fabulous dress stash at home which he might be willing to share.

Anonymous said...

Just take a look at the state of young male (?) "metrosexuals" everywhere & tell me again why we have people like Edward on the silver screen.

And as for the bottom picture -- where, when & how did you take my photograph? Those eyebrows (sun shields) are me to a T. As my children will delight to tell you in great detail. I don't have a comb-over to cover a bald spot. I have a comb-back.

B Woodman

Old NFO said...

Ah... that is just stoopid... somebody WILL put an eye out, probably sooner rather than later.

Crucis said...

Re: Mens eyebrows. Whenever I get a haircut, once a month whether I need it or not, the barber always trims my eyebrows. It's automatic with the haircut, no charge. Now if he'd do the same with my beard, I'd be happy, but he charges for beard-trims. :-(

Jon said...

I've watched the ladies driving and applying the eye makeup, while having a conversation on their bluetooth. Impressive and makes my eyes water.

Zelda said...

Like the orange guidos on Jersey Shore. Scary creatures they are.

Anyway, Happy belated Holidays to you Phleghm. I hope to be around more now that the holidays are no longer menacing me.

Anonymous said...

For weird beauty/attraction aids the most weird to me was one I got got in an email from a friend showing ads from the 1930s, one said to surely cure a disinterested husband was to use lysol as a douche. I thought that has to be harsh and could not possibly taste good.

ben

phlegmfatale said...

DW - the horrid thing about that eyelash growth product is that it may permanently discolour your irises. NOT a good trade-off, imho.

E PhD - Didn't know that about La Lopez, but it does not surprise. What a boor! Will be on the lookout for Miss Lambchop around here!

Roscoe - You just never know!

B Woodman - you really have to wonder what's to come of us. OTOH, we have magnificent wooly caterpillarry brows like yours to maintain the balance of the universe. We may yet be spared.

Old NFO - I can hear the lawsuits revving even as we speak.

Crucis - a little gentle pruning is a good thing. I must insist upon drawing the line at topiary. And someone who does a masterful job of trimming moustache/beard deserves to be paid for that fine service.

Jon - That is so alarming. Have seen the same myself - a woman driving a standard transmission SUV, talking on cell while putting on mascara and smoking a cigarette. She should have been summarily shot, probably.

Zelda - omg - have seen some of those orange Guidos (oompa loompas?) - scary, indeed! Look forward to seeing more of you. Plus I owe you an email, I think? We'll catch up soon.

Ben - have heard of those ads. You really just have to wonder, sometimes.

George said...

Somehow, I'm reminded of THE FIRESIGN THEATRE, i.e. Lady O' Spain Self-Blinding Eye Shadow, with Magic Puncture Pencil...

Christina LMT said...

I lurve my eyelash curler! If I don't use it, my eyelashes stick straight out and could be dangerous to the public. See, it's a public service when I curl my lashes!

Men should NOT wax their eyebrows, unless we're talking serious unibrow...the neanderthal look is really yesterday, after all.

DirtCrashr said...

Errg. Getting older, my eyebrows have lately begun to sprout off monstrous tendrils in unanticipated, heddgy directions. Need to use the scissors but must be careful, you could put your eye out.