Saturday, March 15, 2008







The Shopping Report.

Want to go on saving the earth even after you're worm-food? Now you can with this super-green product line:

Environmentally friendly recycled paper caskets from ecopod in the uk. Your colorful (or gold-leafed for gilt-tripping your final journey!) coffin may be emblazoned with either doves, a Celtic cross or an Aztec sun.

Not me, man. I want my coffin made out of virgin, newly-minted paper. Cheapskates!
Why does this look like a particularly ugly Swedish shoe, to me? That or it looks like a funny sort of sleeping pod for extreme arctic weather or somesuch. It's just funny, is all. I think it's ugly. I'd prefer to be buried in a bass violin case, frankly.

So, anyway, these are recycled paper caskets for burial. There's also a recycled paper product acorn for storage of ashes of the cremated. However, the website asks people to re-consider cremation, as cremation causes pollution. Uh, thanks, pal. Even in death, we are not spared passage on a deluxe guilt trip, courtesy of the greenies. Nice. A review article linked on the site is titled "Pass Away... Responsibly."

What a pretentious, arrogant lot of twaddle! By all means, have your blasted toilet-paper coffin and be buried in whatever way you see fit, but don't be telling me how to dispose of my own carcass, you self-important jerks. People like you are why God gave the rest of us middle fingers.

Although it's a morbid thing to think about, I highly recommend everyone track down the Penn & Teller episode of Bullshit! which focused on the funeral industry. This eye-opening episode will make dealing with funeral industry folk less bewildering for folks going through a painful and confusing time.

I've said it here before, but I've vowed to haunt relatives if they don't bury me in a simple wooden coffin from Trappistcaskets.com. They are plain and beautiful, and made by actual Trappist monks. I figure if I can't spend eternity slurping down Trappist-made brews, then at least let me fall to dust in a box made by Trappists, and that'll have to do.

21 comments:

Supermum, Psycho Bitch said...

Just to let you know TS is now no more. I am now Supermum, Psycho Bitch with a new permanent blog. http://mumtourage.blogspot.com Feel free to link to me now as I am NOT going to change it.

I'm sorry, but there is no way I would be burried in one of those things. I agree with you, when you die the last thing you will be thinking about is the environment. I always planned to be cremated as I hate the thought of being put in the ground. My ashes are not being put in a f***ing acorn either. I was thinking more along the lines of a golden tequilla bottle.

Hope you are well xxx

thud said...

I'm just planning on avoiding death...it seems the best idea for family,friends and me...I'm a very considerate chap.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I actually want to be buried in a burlap sack under a tree somewhere. No fuss, no bother.

phlegmfatale said...

supermum - I think you'd look quite fetching in gold, darling. Make it so.
Welcome back - I hope I'll see you more regularly. I've always loved your blog when you've had time to keep one.

thud - Wow, me too! We have so much in common. We're the coolest!

barbara - I think that sounds a good idea to me, too, but I'll bet our families won't be down with that plan.

Myron said...

My first thought was "damn, phlemy done found her a groovy sarcophagus for her final trip." I have the instructions made out for who ever has to take care of my final business. VA cemetery cause it's free for Mrs Myron and myself. Plus a free headstone for me that says "he was a steely-eyed killer of the deep" or some such shit. Funeral - cheapest you can find. I ain't gonna give a shit. And if I plan it all out just right, all 4 sons will have to chip in 4 or 5 dollars apiece to cover the final cost of whoever is last. And I heard that the VA graveyards bury you both in the same hole. so who ever goes last is on top for eternity. Well, the bones, anyway.

phlegmfatale said...

myron - This sounds an honourable and dignified way to go, to my way of thinking, and I'm okay with the duplex use of space. :)

Supermum, Psycho Bitch said...

Thank you. I tend to be around more from now on. I have the blogging bug again.

Mushy said...

Those are super cool, but, I'm glad I've already paid for my cremation..screw'em all!

I figure I'll burn for about a week...long enough for everyone to get good'n drunk at the wake!

~Fathairybastard~ said...

Now THAT is cool. I always figured I'd just be cremated and sprinkled, but that's cool.

JR said...

I would much prefer to be buried naturally, no embalming fluids or hermetically sealed caskets.

The burlap sack sounds like a great idea. But, seeing as how the burial/cremation process is more for the living than the dead. I'll let them figure it out.

I do have my wake/funeral planned. Be sure to bring a covered dish, I'm buying the booze.

parrotletzoo said...

I read awhile back that those silly Sweedes are working on composting corpses and using them as plant or bush fodder. As green as green gets! Dang, I want to be composted kiddies, put me in the garbage bin out back with the bugs and a can o cola!


http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/05/26/145906.php

Christina LMT said...

I think those caskets look like shoe-HORNS. Ugly ones.
I definitely want to be cremated and no funeral ceremony at all. Just my kids sprinkling my ashes wherever (haven't really decided yet). No headstone, nothing. I do want them to have a big party to send me off, though.

B said...

Oh but you are TOTALLY going to get the celtic crosses on yours though right? Maybe throw in some male/female symbols just for fun? You're gonna have the coolest casket on the block, and if there was a flood I would SO ride you into the safest zip code.
LOVE YOU PLEGHM!!!

Anonymous said...

Being immortal has a minor issue or two here.
But, if I have to go (fat fucking chance that'll happen. Ya hear that shit, God? I'm trying your patience again, huh?), I want plastic, and not just any plastic. I want fiber and stainless steel reinforced, radioactive, guaranteed to be around for the next one thousand millenium, bad ass, foot thick shit, covered in concrete.
Fuck all of you God damned Prius driving tree huggers out there and the tofu you ate for breakfast.

Supermum, Psycho Bitch,
If you're talkin' Curve Black, I'm in.

You miss my page, don'tcha?

Dick

phlegmfatale said...

supermum - welcome back, you fabulous thing!

mushy - I think it's a great kindness to loved ones for people to plan anead

fhb - well, you can have my share of that, Big Guy!

jr - I am in accord with you. You are a gentleman, and clearly a good host!

parrotletzoo - omg - that one takes the cake, and actually makes this recycled paper coffin sound sensible. Sheesh. yuck.

christina - yeah, they DO look like shoe horns.

b - what about that namaste symbol thingie? And I'd need to have a gooroo check the placement of the symbols so that we'd be sure it all had good feng shui. But baby, feel free to ride to safety on my coffin. I'm there for you. Love you back!

Dick - As always, I love the way you so humbly avoid controversy. I DO miss your page. 'Cept for Fatty Friday which from which my soul is still wounded!

Christina LMT said...

Dick!!!!

Miss ya. And Kelly, too.

phlegmfatale said...

Ya see that, Dick? Your public awaits!

Lin said...

Ah geez, don't opt for the bass violin case or they'll have to cut off your legs and stuff your favorite shoes up over your head for everything important to fit.

I'm figuring on a mountain lion or the quicksand getting to me before any undertaker can.

lainy said...

When the time comes hubby and I have decided to just bury whoever goes first in the backyard. It better be me 'cause I don't want to haul his butt out there and dig the hole. I should make him dig his own hole now:)

B said...

Oh yeah and all the symbols should align on your chakras correctly.
That way you'll decompose in the most evolved spiritual fashion.

Maven said...

From this angle/perspective, those paper caskets looked like bicycle seats or "designer" maxi pads. I loved the episode Bull Shit devoted to death and the funeral business. Fantastic stuff.

My exit strategy?

Burn me.