Wednesday, February 20, 2008


I went to high school with someone who works with Dad now. I also went to school with his brother, J, who turned out to be a colossal whore, a Chippendale's dancer and ultimately, a pervy (not good-pervy: bad-pervy) meth-head luzr.
..................................................................
Well, apparently J's so off his nut (hee) that he is telling all and sundry that he broke his penis. Dad was amazed and found several occasions to mention it recently when chirrins weren't around, to the horrified amusement of all. (usually I'm the first to pop off with juvenile ribaldry, so Dad has to over-achieve to get the one-up) Thankfully he spared the details on the event itself, but one can imagine. I'll not abuse your tender sensibilities with a literal description of the affliction as it was related to me, but suffice to say they were un-natural (read: 90° angles and mentions of the shapes of traditionally non-penis-shaped fruits) and disturbing in the extreme, and that grand description ended with "and it still works."
................................................................................
The really funny part is that Dad told his 93-year-old father about it, who listened with rapt fascination. Now every time Dad calls Grandpa, Grandpa has to have a progress report, and asks Dad to tell the story all over again.
.................................................................................
I'll bet if you had a map of the Ozarks with yarn stretching from place-to-place where that story had burned up the phone lines within hours of the original conversation, there'd be a massive, convoluted tangle of thread. Dad got a kick out of the fact that at his age, Grandpa still has the ability to wonder with childlike fascination at all the glories of humanity. I told Dad that Grandpa will probably live at least five extra years on the fuel of that story alone, and hopefully to see how it all turned out.
............................................................................
I don't think I want to know. I'd say it's already a safe bet there's a nasty, burning drip at the end of J's rainbow.

11 comments:

Christina LMT said...

Geesh, has J ever heard of TMI?!

On the other hand, he's providing oodles of amusement to your folks, and that ain't a bad thing. Truly, keeping the mind active is what keeps one young...regardless of the subject matter!

Broke penis=Ow.

lainy said...

I had heard of a broken penis, just couldn't imagine it and don't wanna. I wonder if I heard of this from one of those burnt up phone lines since I live in the Ozarks? Betcha I did.

Glad your Grandpa has such a great memory and still likes the kid in all of us. Hee hee

No pot of gold at the end of J's rainbow!

DBA Dude said...

Your Grandpa sounds like an interesting fellow - wonder if J will ever find out how famous he has become in the Ozarks?

Myron said...

Great to hear about your Grandpa's continuing interest in the weird and wonderful things happening around him.

And I remember my Dad having a saying along these lines - "He/she/it (depending on the occasion) would howl like a broke-dick dog."

phlegmfatale said...

christina - J's entire existence is a TMI event - he's the prototype over-sharer.

lainy - no telling. If you live in the Ozarks, we're prolly related.

dba dude - Well, at least he can say he's accomplished something in life.

myron - yes, it keeps him young and interested, clearly. Well, I suppose you fellows would know more about that euphemism than I would - broke-dick is something I've heard and only vaguely then, trying to do the genteel thing and imagine I must have mis-heard. Yuck. Owchers. Still, I'd say prolly J deserved it, if anyone does.

Buck said...

I'd say it's already a safe bet there's a nasty, burning drip at the end of J's rainbow.

You DO know how to turn a phrase, Phlegmmy! I, OTOH, need to do a LOT of work on the mental images said phrases conjure up... Yeesh.

g bro said...

Good to know your dad can still "get the one-up."

alphonsedamoose said...

Im not sure I want to know anymore. Well, maybe out of morbid curiosity. LOL

Mushy said...

Missed a few strokes in my day, but lucked out I suppose!

That's a mighty big leaf!

Lin said...

And I laughed when a rancher told me about bulls breaking their peckers. Hey, who would have thought? J's lucky he's not a bull apparently.

Attila The Mom said...

Hehehe. Nothing like a good dick tale to keep the guys going.