Dear Glamourous-er-than-usual former resident:
I'm so glad you've found your place among the Right Sort of People in the Hamptons. I've no doubt you truly deserve each other and I wish you long and very merry in each others' company.
Sorry, no, these many moons since you moved out, I haven't riffled through the mail of the subsequent three residents of your old apartment to see if they were receiving your mail. If I had, I would have made a note to the carrier to send this to your forwarding address. What? You didn't notify the post office of your new out-of-state address? Do please forgive me for failing to care more about your mail than you do - how can a lowly servant like myself sleep nights knowing you may have missed out on the latest offerings from the Pantyhose-of-the-Month-Club and the Sharper Image? My bad!
I'm sorry to hear that through the Gordian knot of our labyrinthine postal service you were shocked belatedly receive notice that your moving truck was issued a traffic violation notice by the City Of Dallas and that no one bothered to track you down before now. Clearly, everyone but you is responsible for this egregious error.
You didn't say so, but I'm sure the fines on that violation have reached sub-orbital levels of expense. I have no pull with the city, but if you'd like me to write a note 'splaining how cute you are, I'd be happy to oblige.
Signed:
Electric Landlady
P.S. I gave you your full deposit back because that is my policy-- I give the 95% of residents (who are impeccable) their entire deposit back-- not just the cute ones.
P.S.S. - When I give the full deposit back, that doesn't make me a sucka or your perennial slave.
P.S.S.S. - Love ya. Mean it. Within limits.
8 comments:
Because you obviously have nothing better to do...
What a maroon, is all I can say!
Jerks!
Well, remind me never to rent a place from you, missy! You obviously cannot offer me the level of service I require for the rest of my life.
Yet more evidence on the proliferation of stoopid people across the globe.
"Electric Landlady" - tee hee LOL :)
Oh, you've met my ex wife then?
Gack! Dontchya just love cute but mindless folks? Luckily, I didn't marry any of them in passing. Collect your paycheck, do 'raspberry' thing and thumb your nose joyously! How cool is that?
Well there goes your Fruit of the Month club from them when they finally receive the catalog they forgot to get forwarded.
Since buying my house 2 years ago (wow...time flies) I've had a steady, nay, endless stream of mail for the previous owners, who, I am told, left under cover of darkness just before the arrival of a). the Upstanding Neighborhood Committee, replete with torches and pitchforks b). Wells Fargo Mortgage Lending or c). the Revenuers. Evidently, some of them still live in the area because they seem to be unable to remember to pay tolls or update their tolltags, which is odd, since one expects they'd register their vehicles at the new domicile. The fed.gov seems keen to speak with them about 5 some-odd years of deductions, too. If their investments were performing that poorly, I'd hide in shame, too, as their plan manager eats up all the growth in fees. They need to get that cat spayed and let the pound know, too, since they're incurring warrants for not fixing Fluffy (!?).
I guess writing "MNLA" on the envelopes and putting it back in the mailbox is just not satisfactory to the USPS anymore.
Regards,
Rabbit.
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