Tuesday, December 04, 2007


sotto voce: Be vewwy vewwy quiet. I'm hunting gawaxies!


About a week ago when I was in the Ozarks, I looked up current news on my cell foam and saw this story and made careful note to address the issue when I got back to town. Well, I've been too busy all week to yammer on about this (with shoes and box cutters and such), so today's the day.


I dunno if this is a joke or not, but apparently a couple American physicists are speculating that astronomers may have hastened the end of the galaxy by observing or attempting to observe dark matter. Obviously I'm no scientist, but this sounds like yet another steaming pile of crap. Apparently, dark matter is the conceptual equivalent of a clan of raccoons digging through the galactic trash - a hostile, destructive force wot prefers no audience and having been thus defied sets afoot a world-ending fit of pique to end all doo-doo hissies.


I'm picturing dark matter-- caught out in its dirty underwear-- is pissed off at someone having the poor taste to notice and acknowledge it, and so dark matter in a vengeful snit will open a can of whoop-ass the likes of which haven't been observed in a while, thereby sucking all the fun, energy and light out of the galaxy before it reaches its sell-by date.


This, of course, brings to mind the ferocious, Ravenous Bug-Blatter Beast of Traal. The most deadly and dangerous creature in existence, it is also the stupidest, and thinks if it can't see you, then you can't see it. Thus, the savvy inter-galactic traveler will carry a towel to throw over the BBBoT's head to keep it blind and docile.


Solution: Astronomers need to invent an intergalactic version of the t-shirt air-cannon thingie they use at football games and shoot towels over the dark matter, so it can be modest and know it's not being looked at, and then everything will be groovy and Kool and the Gang. That's just my opinion. Thought I'd put it out there.


And hey, no charge!

So please-- nobody upset the dark matter-- leave the dark matter alone-- it's a human. It's having a really hard time. It got divorced and its spouse-like love-unit was cheating on it, and it's really messed up right now. So, if you wanna deal with the universe, you come to me!

11 comments:

Christina said...

Gosh, this makes me want to climb into a hole and pull it in after me...

NOT!

What morons. Do scientists really have nothing better to do than research crap like this?

Why don't they just write SciFi?

Oh, wait...

lainy said...

Thanks for not charging.

WTF?

phlegmfatale said...

christina - "climb into a hole and pull it in after me..."
Haw haw haw!!!

lainy - you are most welcome, m'dear! Again, I am just a giver.

DBA Dude said...

ROFL, a grand way to start the day.

A very witchy solution to the "problem".

and I hear that dark matter shaved it's hair off.

Anonymous said...

Lets just read it Vogon poetry, it would probably go away. A

Myron said...

I wants me some of what they were smokin'.

I saw a very understandable explanation of dark holes on some TV program last night. Really ended all my concerns. The dark holes will disappear as soon as the lil guy runnin' around in there with a flashlight finds the breaker and resets it.

Aren't you glad I dropped by? You're welcome.

phlegmfatale said...

dba dude - I'm trying to earn my credentials! And the shaving thing is probably just a girlish phase.

A - brilliant solution - bad poetry. Ugh.

myron - Am I glad you dropped by? I'm RELIEVED! I think you are right about re-setting the breaker. *whew*

Buck Pennington said...

Dunno about all this "dark matter" stuff, coz it sounds a lil bit racist to me. What makes dark matter different from your average working-class light matter, anyway, other than desire to be left alone? I think those "scientists" need a lil help and counseling from J. Jackson (The Elder), A. Sharpton, et al. Because it's just not right, ya know?

As for me...I'm nostalgic for that time when everything really was groovy and Kool and the Gang. And stuff.

Lin said...

Hmmm ... why take a chance? If dark matter does turn out to be quite violent and snitty, why take a chance? Let's give it the 'get out of jail free' card and hope it goes away and leaves us alone.

g bro said...

I'm waiting for your "Leave the Dark Matter alone" video on youtube.

Regarding why people research this stuff, remember the pot-smoking scene in Animal House where Pinto says, "our whole solar system...could be, like...one tiny atom in the fingernail of some other giant being."?
Those are the guys researching astrophysics.

~Fathairybastard~ said...

The fear industry, on the march again.