Fatale Abstraction

This morning I dreamt I was listening to an ipodish thingie and it started beeping over and over, and I yanked it apart, pulled the batteries out, smashed it with a hammer, threw it into a ditch and it never stopped beeping. Then an airplane sorta gently crash-landed atop the building next to me. Apparently I was dreaming but hearing my alarm going off. For 45 minutes. THAT, my darlings, is why my alarm is on the bureau across the room. I would hit "snooze" every 15 minutes for about 5 hours before I'd willingly get out of bed if I had the option. Maybe if I had a stinky rooster strutting around the place crowing and doing its best Mick Jagger impersonation, I'd actually wake up in the mornings.

Speaking of roosters, my mother-in-law is an adorable kook(when I'm in a good mood - when she's annoying, she's just a hare-brained bitch). She kept saying she was searching and searching for big ceramic hens for her new kitchen, but they HAD to be hens - not roosters. When we went over, she proudly showed us her first 2 big ceramic hens. Cockscombs? Check. Big, scrotum-like wattles under the beaks? Check. She was crowing about her beautiful hens. Why spoil her happiness by telling her her hens were hims? She is a very well-educated woman, but she has some of the most dingbat ways I've ever seen. She pronounces shrimp "srimp," but mushrooms are mushrooms. Go figger. More on her later.

Speaking of wack alarm clock stories. Waaaay back when I was mere child of 22, I got my first loft in Dallas with a friend. She worked in a salon and the door of a hip local nightspot, and she was always out all night and came home 3 or 4 am, plastered, with intent to get up at 7 am and go to work. Well, fine, whatever. Our loft was large, and my bedroom was a goodly bit away from hers, but you know how the sound of electric alarms carry in a big concrete box? Well, HER alarm would wake ME up and not her. I found this maddening. So, I did what any hapless kitten would do in that situation and used the only thing in my arsenal. She had a separate phone line from mine, and after her alarm had been going off for long enough that it was obvious she wasn't waking up, I would pick up the phone and dial her number. She would wake up and turn off the alarm for the phone. I'd quietly hang up on her and play possum if necessary until she left the loft each morning. Sometimes I would fall asleep before she left. She never knew, I don't think. Ah, those halcyon pre-caller I.D., pre-star-69 days! *snicker*

American Idol watch: Who Should Go Home - that tin-eared Kellie Pickler
Who WILL Go Home - immensely talented Elliott Yamin