Monday, April 10, 2006


What mortal fool dares to awaken the slumbering she-beast?

So, I've not been getting proper sleep lately, and circumstances caused me to get about 4 hours on Friday night and then about 6 on Saturday, and I've been completely wiped out, so I was going to sleep in today.

I was dreaming that I was overseeing the operation of a large warehouse thingie and there was a big kitchen attached and I had a little Nemo fishy in a wine glass but somehow I cut off his tail and he didn't make it, for some reason. And I went to help with the dishes but they were just finishing up (timing, my dears) and so I was in some big mall and I went into a store with tile for kitchens, but the only tile they had was transparent glass with different textures that was lit from underneath and it had a nacreous sort of finish and I was just about to choose--

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! Clock says 10:49. Shit.

WTF??? So much for sleeping until I awaken naturally, for a change.

I hopped out of bed - this is probably someone coming to rob the place, better at least have a look at the sorry sumbitch.

I grabbed a robe, and threw it over my pajama pants and teeny little top thingie. My hair is trained on about 40 distant nebulae, eyes puffy and eye-boogery, prolly. Hmmm, out the side window - tall, natty investment banker guy, very dapper. I guess I'll open the damned door.

At this point, I had two choices: open the door with one hand whilst modestly holding the robe shut - but I risk the dog running out, or I could hold the dog in one arm while opening with the other hand. I chose b, and the robe sprang open (what? Robes come with belts? Huh.) along with the door, and he was treated to my celestial fruitcup of cleavage. He leaned slightly toward me, and I braced for the impact of him falling in, but he maintained his balance.

He: Hi Rita. I'm sorry for disturbing you. Here is my card. I'll come back another time.
Me: Hm.


I think he was thrown off his game. Brian R Bogard, AAMS didn't introduce himself to my bodacious tatas. Thank you Edward Jones, for caring about my investment opportunities, but if I don't get enough sleep soon, I'll be managing my investments in a maximum security cell from the comfort of the Gatesville unit of the Texas prison hospitality department.


12 comments:

The Phoenix said...

Maybe you should suggest they get trained on being greeted by women's "twins." They could bring in an actress with bountiful "tracts of land" and have the investment salesguys practice gaining their composure while being face to...um...cleavage.

Attila The Mom said...

Ahhh the Edward Jones guys!

One came cold-calling with my parents' names to their house last summer.

I was there taking care of my dying step-dad so my mom could get out of the house.

He said, "How is X doing today?"

I mistook him for a well-dressed hospice worker (who was expected) and talked to him about phlegmn and morphine and diapers before he could hand me his card.

He said, "Maybe X could give me a call when he's feeling better."

I said, "The only way he'll be able to call you is through the psychic hotline."

Yes, I was pissed.

Boy did Mr. EJ haul ass outta there! LOL

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Hmmm, my Edward Jones investment advisor is a woman. She has tried to recuit my husband, though (for a job, get your mind out of the gutter). Double hmmmm.

:P fuzzbox said...

Sorry your beauty sleep was interrupted but I couldn't help but smile thinking of the delivery man shook off his game.

Ben Heller said...

Perhaps Brian R Bogard had a dream the night before that he was going to make a house call and be confronted at the door by a half dressed hot chick. He must have thought "OMG I'm sleep walking", and immediately went back to his car, drove home and went to bed.

LJ said...

With you, even hell is interesting.
And the self-portrait at the top is ever so fetching. Perhaps investment guy sensed that part lurking beyond the open robe.
Hope you sleep well soon PF.

nongirlfriend said...

That sucks. Sorry you are having sleep problems.

You know, that dog died this year. Sad. Very, very sad.

phlegmfatale said...

phoenix - good ideer - then the company can claim their guys always know the lay of the land...

attila - good for you - what an insensitive jerk. I HATE loathe and revile people who make unscheduled house-calls for sales.

barbara - triple hmmmmm...

fuzzbox - well, I'm glad SOMEONE was pleased! *chuckle*

ben heller - I'll bet you're right! I'll bet he hasn't stopped thinking of my breasticles all day long. He is, after all, only human and I am, after all, only ME.

lj - awwww, I'm glad you're enjoying this, me turning tripe, lips and assholes into weenies, lemons into lemonade. Blogging it IS healthier than just fuming all day...

nongirlfriend - Yeah, sleep problems suck. Then my doglet is such a show-off of a bitch - she starts snoring before her eyes close all the way! Was that YOUR dog? That dog has great personality - a chinese crested? Love the poor dental array.

Ranger Tom said...

"celestial fruitcup of cleavage"

Hmmmm...

nongirlfriend said...

Nope, he was The World's Ugliest Dog. Google that, and read the story.

phlegmfatale said...

ranger tom - it's an awesome thing!

nongirlfriend - wow - my inner grumpy dog is famous. He actually is so ugly that he's cute, sorta. You have to marvel at anything that singularly repugnant looking - he looks like a garden of skin disorders, poor devil! I know someone with a homely little dog (the sort that always looks old) that has the sweetest nature and I have totally fallen in love with her - she won me over to little old-looking dogs. Dogs are great!

David Amulet said...

Dont' knwo if you're a Star Wars fan, but that Ugliest Dog winner looks remarkably like Jabba the Hutt's annoying little giggle-monster sidekick, Salacious Crumb.

Yes, I know too much about Star Wars.

-- david