Thursday, April 27, 2006


Step away from the Kool-Aid, people...


I'd like to congratulate the 'tards of America who've been voting for that tone-deaf bumpkinette Kellie Pickler for finally coming to their senses and putting an end to rewarding her mediocrity on American Idol. After so many tin-eared performances in which KP sang nails-on-chalkboardingly-off-key (yes, it's a word, I just made it up) and the judges went on to praise her performances, it was simply too good to be true that she was upbraided by them two weeks in a row, and now she's OFF the show? Hallelujah. I'm thinking the romance is over between Simon and Kellie or sumpin'. Clearly, they started off listening to her through their beer-goggles. Oh, wait - that's Coke in their cups, right? Um. Right. Anyway, apparently AI judges confused bombing with da bomb. It's a fine line, but you can hear it after you clean the blood out of your ear canals.

Anyhoo, the blind Italian pop phenom Andrea Bocelli correctly guessed KP is blond. There you go. Perhaps the Lee Press-on Nail™ in her coffin was the woefully wrong choice of the Righteous Brothers' Unchained Melody, which is hopelessly dull, my darlings. I intercoursing HATE that song, and I chalk hits like that up to mass public pyschosis, honestly. Ew. Then she invokes "thayut pawtuhry seen in Gawust" which made me projectile vomit my Jason's Deli. Thanks bitch. No, really: thanks to my bitch, Valentine, who ate up my Kellie puke. Dogs clean up life's little messes. Vaya con carne, Kellie Pickler.

And speaking of colossal boners, in other gleeful celebrity-bashing news, Kevin Costner's in the hot seat for giving himself a happy ending after a massage at a Scottish Hotel during his honeymoon in 2004. I read this story as a blind gossip item, and -if I'm being honest - he's the first megawatt celebrity I thought of. I knew someone who worked in the film industry who said KC was notorious for using the same line on all the women working in production staff on films he worked on. He'd interfere with one woman for a few days or a week, and then toss her over as soon as some other hapless braintrust succumbed to his hackneyed come-ons. Oh, and apparently they were incredibly cheesy, lame pick-up lines, too. I guess when you're that rich/famous/powerful, it's sorta like being Brad Pitt or something - people don't put up much resistance no matter how stupid whatever comes out of your mouth is. Of course, "that depends on what your definition of 'is' is." Then again, I guess married Scottish masseuses with a bit of self-respect will put up a fuss. Good on the lassie, and I hope she wins her court case. And a big pack of sanitary wipes for her massage station. I guess now we know why they cut out his part as the corpse from The Big Chill, because coffins don't come with a pup-tent feature.

19 comments:

DogMa said...

YEAH!

Kellie Pickler is gone!!!

Now if they'd just get rid of Paula. The tears were a bit over the top and I can't take her incessent babbling anymore. She's gotta be drunk or high!

Tickersoid said...

Well said. All of it.
That sounds like the start of a spam

I'm a bit distracted by the smell of burning plastic comming from the kitchen. Seriously, that's not cryptic. I think my washing machine has caught fire.

Anonymous said...

Hahaa! I don't watch Idol anymore. I think it is fixed, and what's the point then? It would be fun 2 do as a kid though.... everyone wants 2 be a star! I always did.

I hope she wins that lawsuit also! I think people date these guys just for fame. Some of 'em are butt ugly!

Dick said...

You just know we're gonna see her in a porn net video any day now.
At least, I hope so.

Big Pissy said...

Thank GAWD Pickler is gone!

She's just too dumb for words....

we should see her gracing the pages of "Maxim" any day now....

Jay Noel said...

That internet group is responsible for Pickler getting this far. They vote for the worst singer with a vegence. It's supposed to be a big joke. So I wonder whom they will back now since all the lame-os are gone now.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Congrats!
"nails-on-chalkboardingly-off-key" has just been voted best new word of the month.
First prize is a walking tour of Springfield.

Anonymous said...

Damn, great job with Photoshop. Funny.

Ms. M said...

Thank Goddess that the folks calling in for Pickler finally wised up! She was shittay!

KC, lame actor, lamer pickup lines. What a loser.

phlegmfatale said...

dogma - I thought the tears were HILARIOUS - and Simon laughing just made the moment more golden.

tickersoid - Thank you, and RUN! Call the fire department!

starbender - I thought kellie pickler would win, and I was definitely going to say the fix was in if she did. She was lousy, and amazing singers like Mandisa went home early. Crappy.

dick - and I thought you weren't a fan!

big pissy - yeah, Maxim - she's about that speed, isn't she? I hope she invests well, I think this fame thing is going to be a particularly short ride for her

phoenix - Hard to say - I think it's going to be interesting from here on out - 5 people who can sing who are actually decent performers. Refreshing.

Barbara -yay me! Are you guiding my tour of Springfield, or do I have to buy my own map?

lightning bug's butt - I posted that KP pic a couple months back and thought I needed to trot it out one more time - i had such a giggle making it.

ms. m - Shittay is an understatement, but perhaps you're being generous. KC - *shudder* what a revolting man. Repulsive!

Tickersoid said...

It's OK, the washing machine is fine.

It's the laundry basket I left on the hob which burnt my kitchen down.

Bollocks!

Kelly said...

Thank God the Pickle is gone!

Of course Dick would want to see her in porn. That's my man!

nongirlfriend said...

I can't stop laughing.

phlegmfatale said...

tickersoid - does this mean your dirty socks have a half-life?

o.g. - Yee haw! Here's to a pickle-free tuesday! yes, we'd expect no less of Dick, would we?

nongirlfriend - happy I could help out!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Oh hell, you'd have to cut my hamstrings with a dull paring knife for me to miss out on that walking tour. Let's see, we'll start out at Moe's...

Heather B said...

Who is your pick to win ... my $ is on Chris, although I really like Elliot.

But those teeth will get him nowhere!

phlegmfatale said...

barbara - ewww, what an image. Anyhoo, can't wait!

heatherb - Elliot has an incredible voice,but I'm with you on the grill - not for cosmetic purposes - it just doesn't look like it lines up right - like he must have TMJ as a result. I think he's adorable, though, like a regular guy, and the cute way he crinkles up around his eyes when he laughs. My pick is still my favorite just for being so totally original - Taylor Hicks. I'm betting every old lady in the country is texting votes for him. Probably 2:1 over all the others. Chris, I dunno - I like him a lot, but he's a bit derivative in a way - LOVE the voice, but it sounds exactly like the guy from Live.

FatQuarterQuiltFarm said...

haw!!! LOVE the barnyard buddies..... I've only watched it once and she had my butt chewing gum.Niiiiice cut and paste by the way...

phlegmfatale said...

schnoobie - thanks - I especially liked the piggy and the barn. yeah, she's a pain in the ass, and HAD to go. Needed to go a loooong time ago. Good for you for not getting pulled into the American Idol tractor beam