Wednesday, April 19, 2006
I FEEL THE NEED - THE NEED TO FEED!


OK, we've reached fever-pitch in the celebrity crisis center when we've gone THIS far beyond The Emperor's New Clothes. Tom Cruise simply wasn't wacky enough when he threw a doo-doo hissy on Oprah's show. He had to go one step beyond (several steps, truth be known) and remove all doubt forever and ever amen. He's got some kooky ideers about how women should be doing the whole birthing thing, and well, that makes as much sense as me giving relaxation tips to a guy getting his prostate checked, but anyhoo... We'll see how long his relationship with the implantee lasts after his admonitions requiring a drug-free birth and a week of absolute silence during the baby's first week. Suggested baby gift: a magazine rack, because this child is going to have a lot of issues. Unfortunately, no such moratorium on pre-birth idiotic statements exists in the Scientology pedagogy, and Tom worked overtime to persuade us that he is more than a whole bubble off plumb, disgorging that he intended to eat the placenta of the newborn. (Here are some placenta recipes I found online along with handy tips for preparation. I know. On the same site there are the rules of placenta etiquette - use the seafood fork on the right, and it's considered the height of rudeness to eat the umbilical cord before the chorion - who knew?!!! This website knew. I expect you'll all be thanking me for saving you embarrassment down the line, but no need - I'm just helpful that way.)

Here's a little tip for you, Tom-boy - that is what we in the business call an overshare. By golly, eat whatever bodily waste you see fit -- toenails, boogers, pet dander-- but for goodness' sake, please don't tell us about it.

I considered (boy, how I considered it!) posting a placenta photo on my blog, but by golly, there's enough ugliness in the world already, innit? Nothing can wash away the bitter tang of celebrity idiocy faster than a turbo-dollop of cuteness, which I have courteously provided.

Just remember as the winged monkeys swoop in, there's no place like home. Poppies! Poppies! Poppies!
Written by phlegmfatale
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Name: Phlegmfatale
Location: Elsewhere, Texas, USA

I'm not whining;
I'm unburdening.
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