Friday, August 29, 2008
The following is an online help chat I had with a person *WINK* from my internet provider.
Lately, I've been having problems getting online from my home pc because the modem has been acting up. Finally, after no connection Wednesday, I took the opportunity Thursday morning when the modem decided to get off its lazy ass and perform the task for which it was designed, I contacted the help dept at my ISP. Below is a transcript of that convo. I'll edit the bits where appropriate so's'n you can enjoy the Cliff notes version. I'll put my bits of the convo in pink and his/her/its in green


Phlegm: Hi there
Sam: Hello! Thank you for choosing your ISP technical Chat. My name is Sam. How may I assist you?
Phlegm: Thanks sam. I'm having problem with my -- is it called a modem?
Phlegm: the thing with the 4 green lights
Sam: Yes Phlegm. That is a modem.
Phlegm: Starting about 3 weeks ago,sometimes only 1 or 2 of the green lights would be on, and my internet wouldn't work, sometimes for an hour or two at a time. Sorry -i'm no-tech
Sam: I apologize for the inconvenience caused.
Sam: I'm more than happy to assist you. To get us started, I'm going to need to verify some security information and then we can move on to understanding your setup. We will need to perform some troubleshooting steps together, and I'll be running some tests on my end. Feel free to ask questions along the way.
Sam: May I have the following four pieces of information from you For security purposes please?1. The account holder's 10 digit telephone number. (xxx-xxx-xxxx) 2. The account holder's Full Name (First and Last) 3. Please tell us your name. 4. May I have your preferred e-mail address? (Preferred e-mail address is the one that you use frequently; it may be different from the Road Runner e-mail address)
Of course, at this point, I'm thinking "i've got someone to help me on the end of the line, I'd best run for the barn and try to get the info to them as quickly as possible so's not to waste a bunch of their time." Plus, I hadn't looked at all that gobbledy-gook he'd just spewed out there from an OBVIOUSLY canned selection of statements.
Phlegm: anyway, it would only be down for an hour or so at a time
PHlegm: but as time has progressed, sometimes it's down all day.
Phlegm: xxxxxxxxxx tel
phlegm: phlegm
Phlegm: phlegm at my emailDAHTcom
So, of course, at this point, I've blurted out the long and short of the problem, then I had to enter all that crap for them to verify I am who I says I is.
Sam: Thank you for the information. Kindly hold for a couple of minutes while I pull up your account and research your issue.
Phlegm: oh, and now it's obviously working
Sam: Thank you for your patience.
Phlegm: np
Sam: phlegm, I understand that you are facing connectivity issues with your modem. Am I correct?
Phlegm: that's a big 10-4, good buddy.
Okay - THAT was super-smart. Oh, and the way every answer started feeling very programmed at this point(putting my name at the beginning of each response??? strange.), even before they asked if I was facing connectivity issues with my modem, when I think that's just what I'd spent about 200 strokes telling him/her/it already.
Sam: Thank you for the confirmation.
Phlegm: oh, i'm sorry - you're a machine, aren't you? Yes, I am facing connectivity issues with my modem.
Sam: phlegm, I am not a machine.
Phlegm: sorry. thought i was getting canned responses. I'm sure you're a wonderful and vibrant human being. I love you for helping me.
Sam: phlegm, I tried running a couple of tests on your modem. It is not responding properly.

Give Sam a cookie.

Okay, I'll not bore you with the rest. I mean, DUH - it's their bloody blasted modem from MY system, which THEIR system obviously can tell, right? It just seemed unnecessarily tedious. But maybe that was just me.

Yeah, Sam, I know you're out there somewhere, you're a real person and you're hurting. You're hurting because you have to deal with no-tech people like me who think I should be able to simply push a button and have everything work, no questions asked. You may say I'm a dreamer, Sam. Deal with it. Love ya!
Written by phlegmfatale
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Name: Phlegmfatale
Location: Elsewhere, Texas, USA

I'm not whining;
I'm unburdening.
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