Thursday, August 13, 2009

Look back in languor.

Two years ago tonight I was in the hospital with pneumonia. I'd felt for a long time I needed to make changes in my life, and the circumstances surrounding my illness and its treatment really motivated me to go through with those changes.

My parents came in to see me and I felt sad, seeing the worry in their faces, and knowing they were right to worry. Pneumonia is bad business. I hope I never have that stuff again, and I hope none of my dear ones do, either. Mom and dad brought me beautiful flowers, and I still carry in a pocket of my purse the little card mom wrote with the flowers.

I was at a low point personally, and I knew I was, in fact, deathly ill because I realized I might die and I was kind of okay with that. I felt weak and only halfway there as if part of me had already slipped away. They ran a pic line into my heart so the meds would jump right in the hopper at ground zero, and after 3 days of IV meds, I awakened about 1 in the morning on that Thursday, and I realized I was getting better because I was suddenly despairing of my personal plight. I realized with the recovery time from the illness (it took many months), it would now take me even longer to change my circumstances. I was right. I knew I was getting better because there in the hospital, I cried for hours. I cried until I felt my eyelids would turn inside out. I cried until my eyes were dry. Oh, and I'm generally not a cryer.

That sucked.

That's been on my mind a lot this week. I'm generally not a maudlin person, but in an odd way, the memory of that time has been a welcome bit of perspective when all the folks at work were herded into a large room to be told they are beginning layoffs. Amazingly, I was not let go Wednesday, but I'm not holding my breath, either.

I hate uncertainty. I know everyone does, but it's unnerving when you start to feel that pretty much everything people hang their hats on is illusory anyway.

Jobs. Security. Insurance.
What is it all, really?

Sometimes, though, stepping off a ledge can be the most freeing thing. Wednesday morning I woke up at 4:30 and went out to see the peak of the Perseid meteor shower. Whatever happens, there will always be beauty in the world, if you just look for it.

This is going to be interesting.

16 comments:

Mongo said...

You have a lot of people who believe in you... and I know you have people who love you, too.

Yes.... it will be far too interesting to miss.

Jay G said...

If they let you go, they deserve to go under...

Rustmeister said...

Good luck to ya sweetheart.

Buck said...

I hope everything works out the way you want it to, Phlegmmy.

Dan said...

I, for one, am glad you are with us. And, "they" know better than to bid you farewell. ;) Best of fortunes to you and z' pups.

Miz Minka said...

Fingers and toes crossed for you, Phlegmmy. Seems like more and more folks are barely hanging on to their livelihood by just a thread. Hope things will work out for you.

Alan said...

You are always an inspiration Phlegmmy.

Alan said...

You are always an inspiration Phlegmmy.

Old NFO said...

Thoughts and Prayers sent Phlegmmy... You've come a long way, keep on truckin!

drjim said...

Hang in there, Phlegmmy!
I'm probably going to get the axe at the end of next week, and it makes me feel free. As much as I love the job I have right now, watching the company circle the drain at an ever increasing rate is hard to take.
We've both lost jobs before, and just as I'm sure that I'll bounce back, I know you will, too.
You've got too much goodness in you to be held back for long!

Anonymous said...

illusory indeed.

a

Anonymous said...

illusory indeed.

a

schnoobie said...

Regardless of your illusory
circumstances......you will always
oooze fabulousness to me....
hang in there darlin'!

Christina LMT said...

You are part of the beauty to be found in the world, Phlegmmy. And reading your blog is always interesting.

Brigid said...

Has it been two years? I remember when we first started talking on the phone about your life, and how you wanted to change it. You've come so very very far, and have succeeded where the rest of us still founder. I am only repeating what has been said, but you are truly an inspiration to so many of us.

J.R.Shirley said...

You are loved.

I'm glad you made it.

John