Tuesday, October 14, 2008

34 years ago today, a gorgeous little lamb came to my family. She was unusually pretty. Little old ladies in stores would ask my mom if that was a doll in the stroller. I got just what I'd always wanted-- a baby sister.

When I was about 14, a boy asked me to a banquet, and he came to our house to visit. Mom and Dad went somewhere, but left the 5 year old home with me and the boy as chaperone. She climbed on his lap and grinned like a possum, then she proceeded to fart a blue streak. We went to the banquet, but I never went anywhere with that boy again. I quickly concluded Sis was right to have farted on his lap. Pearls before swine, and all that.

We all doted on her and spoiled her, but somewhere along the way, I found my little sister was my best friend. I love her more than I could ever express, and she will always be one of the best people on earth, to me.

I love you, Sis. Stay gassy!

8 comments:

Thud said...

My little sis will appreciate the fart angle of this post.

Anonymous said...

Awwww, thanks sis, I love you too, A

HollyB said...

Happy B'day, A. Hope it's a great one.

OrangeNeckInNY said...

Sulu: "Captain, extremely adorable gaseous anomaly spotted. It seems to be attracted to the men with laps. It's following us. It appears to be extremely intelligent too."

Kirk: "Red Alert! All hands brace for gaseous impact!"

:::the Enterprise rocks and rolls as the gaseous anomaly takes a seat on every lap of every man on board and lets it rip:::

GA: "brraaaaaaaaaaaaaaapppppppppppppppp! *giggle*"

Kirk: "Did. that thing. just. giggle?? What. in. God's. name. arewedealingwith?? Spock!!"

Spock: "Yes Captain."

Kirt: "What does scans reveal?"

Spock: "It appears to be a gaseous life form that has planted itself on every lap of every man on board. Scans reveal this entity is still in its infancy; no more than 5 years old."

:::ship intercom chirps:::

Scotty: "Captain, we've gawt trrroubles down herrre in engineerrring. Some kind of gaseous 'thing' have my men stuck to theirrr seats. I canna get to the contrrrols and give ya morrre powerrr.

:::the sound of bbrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappppppppppppp goes resounding all over the ship:::

Spock: "By my calculations, the gaseous anomaly will tear this ship, along with the men's pants, apart in fourteen minutes and seven point zero-six-three-eight seconds."

Kirk: "We've. got. to. get. this thing. offmyship! Suggestions!?"

Uhura: "Captain, the odor coming off the anomaly has a familiar smell. It smells like 'farts'. Perhaps if we tried using an air sanitizer with a floral fragrance."

:::brrraaaappppp:::

Kirk: [snapping his head over quickly to Spock] "Do you think it'll work?"

Spock: "Seems logical."

Kirk: [back to Uhura] "Round up all the female crewmen on board and arm yourselves with OUST. Hurry!"

:::brrraaaaaaappppppppp:::

[into the intercom] "Scotty, just. sit. tight."

Scotty: "Aye Captain. It's na like we've gawt any otherrr choice."

:::intercom chirps again:::

:::brrrraaaaaaapppppppppp:::

Bones: "Jim, I can't operate like this! What the devil is going on?? My patients are all on oxygen because of this thing and we're running out!!"

Kirk: "Bones, get nurse Chapel to arm herself with OUST and blast the thing."

:::nurse Chapel overhearing the converstsion:::

:::brrrraaaappppppppppp:::

Chapel: "I'm on it, Captain."

:::Now with all the female crewmen armed with OUST...:::

Uhura: "Captain, standing by for your orders."

:::bbrrraaaapppp:::

Kirk: "Fire!"

:::The sounds of 70 cans of OUST spraying its gas-neutralizing mist can be heard across the entire ship:::

:::braap:::

GA: "Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"

Spock: "Captain, I do believe it is working. The entity has left the ship and is making haste to put some distance between us. Fascinating. It was 'Squeeeeeing' the whole way."

Kirk: [into the intercom] "Scotty, I need all the power you can give me. NOW!"

Scotty: "Aye Captain."

Kirk: [breathing a sigh of relief] "Sulu, let's get out of here. Take us as far away from that thing as possible, warp 9!"

Sulu: "Aye Captain."

:::As the Enterprise hurtles through space on a heading to God-knows-where...:::

Kirk: "That gaseous anomaly was adorable, but deadly. Perhaps if we run into it again, say in 29 years, it will have grown up into a beautiful Nebulous Cloud."

Spock: "Indeed."

phlegmfatale said...

thud - been there, done that? little sisters are wonderful things to have. :)

A - XOXOXO

Hols - :)

Orangeneck - That. Was. fabulous!

Christina LMT said...

Happy Birthday, A.!

Orangeneck, you are my new hero!

OrangeNeckInNY said...

Christina - Awwwww....:::blush:::

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Happy birthday, sister of Phlegmmy! The whole family is pretty fabulous, as far as I can tell.