Saturday, September 25, 2010

how frelling dare you.

This I address not to my regular lovely readers. You are sexy, beautiful people and probably good at everything. Oh, no. This goes out to one particular person. You know who you are.

Dear Syphillitic Piece of Loosely Organized Dung:

How frelling dare you deface my mailbox.

I did not invite your sorry ass to my house, nor do I ever anticipate doing so. I do not care that your sorry OCD arse is maddened by the lack of numbering on my house or mailbox. Who the hell do you think you are to take a Sharpie and write numbers on my melon-farming property like some apocalyptic white-trash wastrel???

That the lack of numbering drives you nuts matters naught to me. This is not your home and you do not rate here. Again I say I don't want you here and I'm fine with other random undesireable people not knowing what my street number is, either. Somehow, my bills manage to find their way to my mailbox. My friends and family have no difficulty finding my house. If you're not my friend or family member and you are not my mailman, then kindly bugger yourself running elsewhere forthwith and forget my house exists.

Now I have re-painted my lowly little mailbox and I realize this will be sorely tempting for you, but I want you to think long and hard before you act on your inane, no-life impulses: be aware that all my neighbors are elderly, retired and keep a pretty good eyeball on the goings-on around here. Disposable cameras are cheap, and even if all others fail me, I know I can rely on Mrs. Kravitz. When I catch you vandalizing my property, there will be a reckoning.

Love & Kisses,



Borepatch said...

Entirely OT, and irrelevant to your justifiable wrath, but I did want to let you now that pi times 1337% equals 42.

Clearly, the defacement was done by Elvis. Just sayin'.

Vinogirl said...

Somebody was actually cheeky enough to write on your mailbox? Insane!!!

Anonymous said...

I must say I am torn here.

I absolutely despise people that feel they must force themselves upon others.

On the other hand.....

It is the answer to the question.
The great question.
The question of life, the universe, and......everything.


Mind you it would be amusing to catch this individual in the act. I wonder which you would run out of first? Sharpie or skin?

drjim said...

Tampering with the US Mail, or the containers it gets put into, is a no-no!

Mark Alger said...

I once caught our mail carrier putting a Dymo label on our mailbox with our name on it. I stopped her and told her we didn't have our name there a-purpose.

But she was doing it to make her job easier. I can sympathize, but I'm not put here on this earth to make life easier for bureaucrats, no matter how hard-working and putatively useful to the commonweal.

I tell you that to tell you this: your defacer may have been your mail carrier.


Lin said...

Time to set up that delightful dung catapult on the front porch, my dear.

DaddyBear said...

Might I suggest CS grenades set off with trip wires?

Keads said...

How disrespectful! Good for you!

Kristopher said...


Old NFO said...

Good job Phlegmmy... :-)

Julie said...

maybe you should attach the letter to the letter box to ensure that the letter box defacer knows the depth of your feelings regarding such actions?