Thursday, June 15, 2006


I'll set this one up and let YOU knock it down:

Tonight my sister told me about a young woman she worked with in San Diego. This was a skinny little anorexic chick who met a Mexican guy one night and he impregnated her, and the fruit of that blessed union was a little boy that she simply couldn't stop bragging about. In a bizarre twist, she married the guy.

Sister said she was not incredibly bright, and that they all got so verrrry sick of her talking about her little genius. "He can say his alphabet!" "Really? How remarkable. We've never heard of a child knowing their alphabet."

This girl looked like a concentration camp victim, and was apparently bulimic because the digestive acids had eaten away the enamel on her teeth. Nice.

They were all working in a beauty supply/salon (NO, they didn't give massages!)

Apparently she was genuinely sweet and generally a very hard worker because she came up with the ultimate call-in-sick excuse ever and was not fired for same.

She called in and begged off work for the day because of a brutally painful ingrown pubic hair.

17 comments:

nongirlfriend said...

Jesus. The eating disorder has traveled to her vagina.

:P fuzzbox said...

That is the perfect excuse. Who would want to ask any follow up questions?

Anonymous said...

I love the sheer novelty of that excuse. Obviously, all her grandparents' fabricated hospital stays and tragic demises had been tearfully proffered to management after her sick days were long since used up. I'm sure she exhausted all the standard excuses so what's a girl to do?
No one would dare investigate the veracity of her claim after involuntarily imagining a reddened anthill threatening to spew pus over her undernourished nether regions, and besides, she rates props for the sheer dumbfounding banality of it - unless she really HAS a uniquely debilitating case of inflamed ingrown muff floss. (...her sparsely forested mons was bordered by tiny pimples of razor burn and goose flesh. This was dwarfed by an angry swollen mound, from which the faintest evidence of a stunted corkscrew of a hair dotted the summit. Even the cleft and the novacained droop of her ...{Buy the book at AMAZON.Com}) Yuk. Now I have to find a way to poke out my inner eye. Normally I love to visualize that region, but there are always exceptions.

Old, old, old, old joke: (what's the last sound you hear before a pubic hair hits the floor?... "ptui")
-Al

Will said...

Well, I guess it's hard to argue with that one. I had a boss once who got mad at me for being in the hospital.

phlegmfatale said...

AL - I don't normally respond to comments out-of-order, but I have to start by saying I know your name is Al, but can I call you Swearengen? You are superb and I think I love you. Thanks for the laughs!

I knew SOMEONE would appreciate this bizarre true tale from the grooming industry. After all, outside of prostitution, what other kind of profession than salon business could you brook frank overshares about the state of your private hair? Uh, it's the beauty industry, and since they routinely use wax strips to rip the personal hairs out of people from stem to stern, I suppose it is utterly plausible to call in with such an excuse. However, in the history of the world, I'm willing to bet it hasn't actually happened many times.

Anyway, never heard that joke before. I'm clicking over to Amazon to purchase that title.

By the way, I'm picturing the saggy front of the bikini bottom on Nicole Richie - TRAGIC! If you insist on looking like a stick insect or papier maiche gone wrong, please cover that mess up!

nongirlfriend - she sounds like she has bigger problems than the eating disorder - like maybe she's borderline retarded.

fuzzbox - I quite agree, there is little chance of being questioned about the veracity of this claim.

Al, I'm looking lovingly at your comment again.

will - yeah, hard to argue indeed. Wow - silly boss! As if you wouldn't PREFER to be at work than in hospital? Like people go there for fun or something.

LJ said...

Oh my goodness. I'm saving that one - that's almost in the genius range of surreal excuses.
The best one I ever got from a student assistant when he was late the day after a graduation party was, "I was holding my wife's head out of the toilet at 4:00 this morning". That didn't exactly beg questions, either.

phlegmfatale said...

lj - wow - holding his wife's head out of the toilet - I guess he was chastely sipping water at the time? What a devoted spouse!

Kelly said...

I don't think my work would buy that one.

Tickersoid said...

That excuse wouldn't work in Europe. Womens pubic hair was offically banned by the EU during the 1990's.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I don't even want to know that's possible.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Well she was obviously somewhat brighter than she orginally appeared. Or perhaps it was really true.

King Frobisher, Lion of Africa said...

Not necessarily an excuse. A certain blogger I know had to go to hospital and have a ingrowing hair removed from the crack of his ass - aparently when they are ingrowing they never stop growing and can be extremely painful. Aparently not that unusual an occurence with hairy arsed men.

phlegmfatale said...

o.g. - I don't think I'd want people I worked with to know I had a problem like that. Then again, what if she's using that as an excuse to cover up something much more embarrassing? Ew.

Tickersoid - really? And all the while I thought it was the Brazlians wot done that!

lightning bug's butt - yes, we'll all measure the loss of our innocence in life from the moment we heard this story.

barbara - *L* Yeah, dumb as a fox, mebbe.

king frobisher LOA - OMG - So any news how long the asscrack monstrosity was when they extracted it? Horrors. This falls under the category of shit that might go wrong that is too terrible even for you to have imagined it. Scary life, this.

Dick said...

The little crabs make that picture.

phlegmfatale said...

wow - dick, you just made my day - you're the first one to notice either of my last two crappy Paint pictures I made. I'm thinking I need to do more of my own illustrations. It's cheap therapy.

It's Me, Maven... said...

An ingrown crab-hole hair? LOL LOVE IT! At last! Finally! An ORIGINAL call out excuse!

phlegmfatale said...

No kidding. Oh, and I'm still reveling in my Paint program artistry. I think I've got a real future in illustration! *L*