Here at the Phlegm Propulsion Laboratory™, we're working round-the-clock to keep you up to snuff on the very finest goods and services to be had in our modern age. We often are approached on the street and asked "why do you do it, Phlegmmy?" We shrug our demure shoulders, smile and say "because we care."







SRSLY.



We're giving until it hurts here.



And it's all for you baby.



And it's just that good.







Anyhoo, we poke about the cobwebby, dank, spooky, anarobic corners of the internet, risking nightmares and nasty infection, and all of this to insure that you--our gentle reader, and I mean you personally-- don't miss out on anything that may change your life for the better.







To that end, may we suggest:

Bacon Flavored Dental Floss

Oh, sure, you want your teeth to be clean and free of placque, but without the nuisance of fresh, minty breath which might give the ladies the wrong ideer about your kissability. I mean, you really do give a rat's rear end about your teeth and gums being leading indicators of health and whatnot, but go around with fresh breath and some wild city woman may try and kiss you, and then where would you be?

Well, I'll tell you where you'd be: you'd be all luvved up in a web of cross-eyed gossamer bliss the likes of which would stagger the appetites of Casanova, Don Juan and Bill Clinton combined, but that's beside the point, because you don't want that because then you might be happy for five minutes and then what would you have to complain about?





Anyhoo, Bacon Floss. Keeping America beautiful.





If you're not ready to go whole-hog on the bacon breath end of the spectrum, there's the half-measure of bacon and mint flavored breath mints.


Each one of these mints tastes like a delicious slice of crispy bacon with just a hint of mint flavor to give it that extra punch!




Go buy some. You know you want to.
And we're here to enable you.


It's what we do.





Love ya!


Mean it!

For Halloween, may we suggest...

Here at the Phlegm Propulsion Laboratories™, we're working night and day to bring you the very best in shopping. We've told you about bacon flavored dental floss, the bumper dumper and who could forget all those wonderful shoes? In that vein, I come to you today with seriously considered, sober suggestions for your holiday attire. Well, if you're like most of the demented people I know who dress up for Halloween, you've been vexing for a while about precisely what gay apparel will don you then.

Vex no longer, darlings! I have the answer right here: latex wigs.

I'll let that sink in for a moment.

You may select this insouciant blonde flip-do. Very chic if you've the right coloring for it.

Though the bouffant-action could do with a bit more loft, we greatly admire the Hawaii-Five-OH! Book 'im, Danno!

I must admit great personal bias in favour of the Elvis 'do. Bonus points for the glasses. Come to that, the glasses alone are worth their weight in hours of good, clean fun year 'round. I know I'm getting mine!